Let’s Talk About Aquaman.

I saw a lot of movies over winter break. During the week after Christmas, I saw two movies in three days. And it proved to be much a pinnacle of the rural American Midwest as going to Wal-Mart for groceries, dipping popcorn in ranch, and eating Hamburger Helper in the bathtub. (More on that later.)

One of those movies was Aquaman. There was a lot to unpack in there. Here, I’ll start.

I want so badly to dislike Jason Momoa. But I just can’t do it.

I haven’t seen Game of Thrones. But I have seen the episode of Saturday Night Live he hosted. In which he plays an Elf on the Shelf, the ghost of Christmas extra, and a bulky dork-hating frat boy named Beef in a Revenge of the Nerds parody.

When he smirks or eye-rolls or is waaay too serious or flips that long hair I’m sold. I am painfully sold on Jason Momoa.

It’s not that I think he’s particularly hot. (Even though, objectively, yes.) I just see him and can’t help but think “Hey, that’s a good guy.” It’s a powerful technique that could be very dangerous in the wrong hands.

And yeah, I’ve heard the story about him ripping pages out of Amber Heard’s books on the set of Aquaman when he wasn’t getting enough attention. And I really want to not like him because of that. But I can’t do it. Sue me.

How old is Nicole Kidman????

I know they don’t always cast movie mothers and children to reflect the actors’ age differences. (In Forrest Gump, Sally Field played Tom Hanks’ mom. She’s only ten years older than him.) But it is kinda VERY apparent when Nicole Kidman looks this good.

Age isn’t everything, and older women are beautiful, just like younger women are beautiful. But this is not an older woman. You cannot convince me Nicole Kidman is any older than 45. Try me.

I can’t tell if I should take this movie seriously or not, part one.

Aquaman’s half-brother Patrick Wilson tells him he will sic his horde of fish on him or whatever because his title is Ocean Master.

Ocean Master.

As in, “Fear me, for I am Ocean Master.”

What kind of children’s toy universe flim flam?

Because Ocean King was already taken. As the name of the baby of Alexa PenaVega from Spy Kids and Carlos PenaVega from Big Time Rush.

(Which was a very specific piece of knowledge for the Aquaman crew to have taken into consideration. So much respect for them.)

I can’t tell if I should take this movie seriously or not, part two.

This is Aquaman’s secondary villain, Black Manta.

This is Alpha, a character from the 1980s Mighty Morphin Power Rangers series.

‘Ay yi yi’ is right.

I can’t tell if I should take this movie seriously or not, part three.

Here we see Jason Momoa’s Arthur Curry/Aquaman character and Amber Heard’s warrior Ariel character navigating clues on the land to figure out Aquaman’s destiny in the water. Delightful banter. Definitely makes sense within the trajectory of the movie.

The scene begins with the two of them walking through the desert to “Ocean to Ocean,” Pitbull’s cover of “Africa” by Toto.

Pitbull has a cover of “Africa” by Toto. (Kinda.)

And honestly? It kinda slaps. Which is confusing.

And the outfit.

I kinda assumed that with the gritty DC treatment that put Superman in a muted shade of navy, Fishguy wouldn’t be wearing the old gold n’ green. But he is, and I’m glad. It only makes sense.

My rating: 1 fish, 2 fish, green fish, hu(man) fish.

• Aquaman
• Jason Momoa
• review