We’ve all been there. Whether it be a heart to heart with a family member, a heated argument with a friend, or shooting your shot with a potential significant other, we are quick to communicate our feelings over instant messaging or text. It can take what seems like hours to craft that perfect response, which usually leaves us over-the-edge anxious until we get a reply. Having this time to thoroughly think about our feelings can open us up to a lot of our emotions and leave us feeling vulnerable. The worst possible scenario runs through our heads immediately–what if I don’t get a reply? What if what I said completely backfires and I lose a relationship? Although exposing our deep feelings through messaging is convenient for getting advice and hype from friends, it can be one of the most stressful experiences of dealing with conflict. Why?
We, as humans, are wired to avoid conflict.
In everyday communication, we are constant users of positive face and generally seek out quality, worthwhile relationships with those around us. You may think that two people with a “good” relationship shouldn’t engage in conflict, but it’s really a natural occurrence. Revealing your true feelings could result in rejection or dismissal from the other person, which is why it is much easier to succumb to their argument or simply bury the conflict altogether.We believe that expressing unpleasant emotions makes us less than perfect.
Let’s face it–nobody actually enjoys feeling hurt, anxious, or depressed, let alone openly exposing it to another person. We think that feeling these emotions makes us less of a competent individual and that’s why it’s just more comfortable to keep it under the table. Out of sight, out of mind. Learning to openly express these feelings is completely nerve wracking, especially in a digital world where body language and facial expressions that give an immediate reaction don’t always exist.
We are given the opportunity to overthink.
To be completely honest, I have done more revisions to risky texts than I have to my term papers. We want to be sure that we account for all possibilities and outcomes. Our arguments need to be flawless. Not only do we need to read the message over and over before we fully commit to sending it, but we also get the opinion of others beforehand by having them read it. In a face-to-face conflict, everything is spur of the moment and you often have a lot of regrets once the smoke has settled. We replay it over and over in our heads. Why didn’t I say that?! In getting that extra time to filter our thoughts, we become our own psychologists and break that superficial level of thought and feeling.
We get cocky or over-confident.
Have you ever said something in a text that you would never have dared to say to someone’s face? That’s the result of the confidence that social media and technology give us. Not to mention the “power” that comes the fact that no deep text conversation is ever guaranteed private–if you have the upper hand in an argument and you use that to flaunt to others, you give yourself an artificial sense of power and superiority. Additionally, ever notice that there is no “line” when sending risky texts back and forth? So, once someone says something that breaks that line of vulnerability or being personal, it can turn into a downhill spiral of trying to get the “one-up” that creates additional tension and anxiety. Plus, you have no idea what’s happening on the other side when putting on that “face” of attacking someone else or sharing their deepest feeling. It’s so easy to create the most confident, unshaken persona in the world when given the time and opportunity to do so.
We feel like the conversation is unnecessary or vaguely unproductive.
If someone is in the wrong, they should just know it, right? Why go on making a whole conversation about it and have to explicitly explain your point of the situation? This has to do with the fallacy of egocentrism, the idea that everyone grew up with the same experiences and thus has the same set of values and morals. If you know that a behavior is unacceptable, why don’t they know it, too? We assume that our arguments are common sense and that the other person should be able to read minds. This is a dangerous mindset to have, especially since this fallacy is just that–a fallacy. A lot of times, people do not realize that their behavior is harmful until it is pointed out. In other cases, they (or you, depending on your comfort with open communication) use vague statements and references to hint at your argument in a less direct way. Is this effective? Not necessarily, but dependent on your communication style it may relieve some of that undue tension of wanting to express your feelings without taking any direct shots at the other individual. Will it lead to a solution? Maybe, given the situation and its importance to both sides. Being vague when discussing sensitive or personal topics is one of the things that I struggle with the most. I feel like identifying this as something I need to work on has been one of the goals I’m most excited to reach, especially knowing that it will only benefit me in the long run.
Image credits: https://www.memecenter.com/fun/7102575/risky-text , https://me.me/i/when-you-send-a-risky-text-and-you-cant-believe-6775961