The Break-Up Handbook: For the Breaker-Upper

I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years and I thought it was going to kill me. Especially because I was the one who had to walk away. Here’s some advice I wish I had listened to while going through my breakup.

Part I: SHould you BREAK UP?

1. If you’re thinking about breaking up… break up
   • I know you’re thinking that maybe your relationship will change and I do think it is important to communicate your wants and needs to your partner, but if this is something you have already done or have done multiple times, it’s time to go. The person you’re meant to be with will make dating easy and fun. Fighting for your relationship is not always the answer. 
2. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be
   • This is a cliche but it changed my perspective when breaking up with my significant other. This person can always come back to you if it is meant to be, and how your partner handles this breakup will tell you everything you need to know about them and the future of your relationship. 
3. It takes a VERY long time for people to change
   • Maybe you have told your partner to change certain things multiple times and you know that this person is going to be perfect in a few years. It is not your job to change anyone or wait for them to change, because bestie, they are not going to change for you. Let’s put the savior complex away and find someone who’s already been to therapy. 
4. There is never a good enough reason to stay
   • I can make excuses all day for staying with someone but these excuses will not help you. Just because you love their parents is not an excuse, those relationships do not go away. They will still check in on you I promise.

Part ii: right after the break-up

1. Just because you broke up with them doesn’t mean you can’t be upset
   • You are also grieving the end of a relationship. Just because you were the one to walk away does not make you a bad person. In reality, this person will probably thank you in time for breaking up with them and knowing when to leave. 
2. Go no contact
   • I don’t care if this person was your best friend since birth, go no contact for at least a few months. Everyone moves on in different ways and watching each other or trying to help each other move on is going to hurt you both. 
3. Do what feels right for you
   • When I broke up with my boyfriend I felt like I had to go crazy and go out every weekend and makeout with random people because that was what I was supposed to do. Everyone moves on in different ways and there’s no right way to heal. If you want to go out with your friends and get crazy, do it. If you want to stay in bed and cry, do it. If you want to key their car, do it. (I’m kidding violence is not the answer but may I suggest a rage room). There’s no right or wrong during this time so do what you need to do. 
4. Clean them out of your space
   • Wash your sheets, get a new stuffed animal, and take down their photos. Anything that reminds you of them. I recommend putting that stuff in a box so you can go back through it in 30 years and remember that time of your life. Getting them out of your space will help you move on.
5. Stay away
   • Going back to this person is not going to make you feel better it will only confuse you both and end up hurting you more. You also do not need to go to this person to make you feel better. I know you care about them a lot but they do not need to try to help you heal while healing themselves. Give this person time to grieve the relationship without you.

Part III: Healing

1. Take time to process
   • The processing stage might not happen right away but you can not run away from it. You will be a better person if you take time to sit with your feelings and your old relationship and try to come to terms with it. This will help you figure out what you want for yourself and your future relationships.
2. Remember growth is not linear
   • It is okay to have a really good day or a few weeks where you feel like you have moved on and then slip back into sadness and grief. You have not lost any growth that you have worked on for yourself just because you had a bad day. I promise you are growing and healing. 
3. Get the help you need
   • It is okay to not be able to handle this by yourself. Lean on the people who make you feel happy and are good for you. This could be your friends, your mom, or a therapist. It’s okay to get help.

A Note of encouragement:

• I’m really proud of you for knowing that this relationship isn’t right for you and for taking the initiative to heal and move on. You are a good person despite what anyone says. You will get through this and become a better person because of it.

• break-up
• love