The first thought that comes to my mind when I think about my junior year is, “Wow that really happened.”
So many things happened during this school year. I got to live out one of my dreams of living in Asia by studying abroad in Hong Kong. Meet so many people, ate so many good foods. I saw the location of places that I only ever got to see through the computer screen. But then I got sent home early from my study abroad program because of escalating protests. Came back to CLU. I got to see my friends and roommates after how many months of not seeing them. Then I was sent back home early again because of COVID-19.
In between all of that, during the summer I got to intern for a company that I admired. It was through that internship that a lot of things opened up for me career-wise. I developed a lot of professional skills as well as learned a lot about what I was capable of.
So, going into my junior year, this was probably the most confident I felt in my skills and abilities. This was the year that I actually started implementing what I learned into new projects. This was the year I started showcasing them to people because I was somewhat proud of what I produced. It was a weird feeling. In my Goodbye to my Doubts Pt.2, I talked about how I was lacking. I talked about how my ambition outweighs my skills and how embarrassed I was of my work. Now, I’m still ambitious and a little bit embarrassed, but I know now that I am able to pursue a path in the creative arts.
Nevertheless, I still had doubts. Even though I was getting better, the thought that was embedded in my mind was, how could I outdo what I just did? It was constant worrying about being able to improve. My brain was full of new ideas, and it was hard to keep track of it all. I kept thinking about making new things and improving when it came to creating it made me anxious. I questioned myself a lot. What would others think about my work? Am I creating these things because I want to or am I catering to people? I was constantly thinking about what was next instead of what was in front of me.
It took me months to realize that in front of me was that what I created was an expression of myself. This was an outlet for me, and it shouldn’t really matter what other people thought about it. To this day, even though I know that, it’s hard for me to remember it.
Junior year was probably my best year so far, yet it was also riddled with uncertainty, frustration, and tears. I look back on it now and see how far I’ve come, but going through all the things that happened, it was hard. As many high moments I had during this time, I’ve experienced some of my worst falls.
This is my third year writing about my doubts throughout college. If I’ve learned anything, you really don’t stop doubting yourself. Of course, you will resolve some of them, but there are always new doubts on the horizon. So in a way, this is not a goodbye to my doubts, but rather a welcoming. Because I know that I will continue to doubt myself, but during these past three years, I’ve shown myself that I can, and I do, overcome all these obstacles.
