One of the most common types of humor is self-deprecation. Self-deprecating humor is when one belittles themselves; when they’re excessively modest and undervalue themselves. For some, myself included, self-deprecating humor is second nature. Simple one-liners where you dismiss a compliment and counter with a, somtimes harsh, critique of yourself can be a knee-jerk reaction. More often than not, those one liners are said with the intent to make people laugh or to just brush off compliments. In all honesty, I am an avidly self-deprecating person, or I was until I decided to stop for Lent just to see what would happen. Would I feel different about myself? Could I actually stop cringing and immediately putting myself down when a compliment was directed towards me?
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Self-deprecating humor is an easy way for me to laugh at myself. It was also my way of deflecting compliments; I don’t like compliments directed towards me. I cringe, make a face, and then immediately contradict compliments from friends or family. I felt uncomfortable hearing my friends say “oh, you look so pretty.” Even when friends say “you’re really smart” I would still laugh and shake my head, profusely rejecting the statement and undervaluing myself by saying “definitely not.”
Let me be clear, I don’t belittle myself in hopes of hearing a compliment. One of the common rationales associated with self-deprecating humor, as a way to explain why people belittle themselves, is the person wants to hear more compliments from other people. If person A says something undervaluing themselves, person B can sometimes feel the need to contradict the insult with “no, you aren’t, you’re actually wonderful.” I don’t search for that.
I know that there are genuinely good aspects of myself and I acknowledge those aspects when they come up. But I also knew I probably insulted myself a little too much and in the spirit of Lent I decided to give up insulting myself for those 40 days. One part of Lent, to me, is learning and trying to see yourself in a better light so you can become a better person. It’s also learning how to love all of you, including the flaws you see in yourself.
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I’m not going to lie, I genuinely struggled with not insulting myself on a daily basis, which may seem a little sad to some. But the fact that I struggled further enforced my reason for why I should give up self-deprecating humor for Lent. I shouldn’t have to feel the need to insult myself. I also had my friends remind me that I had given up undervaluing myself to keep me in check. It was strange to just accept a compliment without rebutting it with a critique of myself. Even the mere act of trying not to cringe was difficult. But after a while, accepting compliments and stopping the knee jerk reaction of belittling myself when the opportunity was available got easier. Near the end of the 40 days, I actually started owning up to compliments; I became more confident and comfortable with acknowledging my more positive attributes. This made me think about whether a significant relationship exists between self-deprecating humor and how one perceives themselves.
The biggest part of self-deprecating humor is yourself and your willingness to make fun of yourself. A little self-deprecation is perfectly acceptable. It can be endearing; it can allow a relationship to form between you and the person you’re talking to. In fact, for those in powerful positions, self-deprecating humor can create a less intimidating image; men with a higher status can be seen as “charming.” However, if you’re not as high up on the social ladder, self-deprecating humor can be seen as a weakness. Interestingly enough, according to The Guardian, 70% of the time women use self-deprecating humor and it usually fails, since women are still relatively new to the workforce. Women are still trying to establish a solid presence in higher positions. Instead of projecting a modest, grounded personality, when women use self-deprecating humor, they are seen as unfit for leadership. So try not to be self-deprecating at work, especially in front of managers, because you’re highlighting negative parts about yourself they may not have seen.Â
We don’t need to completely eradicate self-deprecation though; it keeps you grounded because it’s a little reminder that you’re human. I still cringe a little bit at compliments and somtimes when the opportunity is too good to pass up on, an insult is said and laughter ensues. But for those who feel like maybe they’re being a little too self-deprecating, try toning it down. Who knows? It could help you be more confident. We make mistakes and we are certainly not perfect. But that’s not to say that we should berate ourselves to the point of forgetting what we’re worth. Laughing at yourself is good, but starting to allow yourself and others to forget your positive qualities and only focus on the “bad things” is a much different story, a story that does not need to be opened. So the next time you’re about to insult yourself without thinking about it, stop. Think about it then make sure to remind yourself that this insult does not define who you are.