It’s official: You’re broken up. After a few days (or weeks, I’m not judging) of denial and telling friends you two are just on a “break,” you’ve finally accepted the fact that you and your boyfriend really aren’t getting back together.
So now what? Do you want to get through this with as much grace and poise as T-Swift on a good hair day? Do you wish you could channel all your pent-up emotions into working out, but know you’re far too lazy to do so? Do you just want a freaking WikiHow article on that will tell you how to get through this? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, today’s your lucky day. Stop Google searching “how to survive a breakup without crying” (come on, you’re just embarrassing yourself now), and start reading, because I have five surefire steps to getting through this in no time.
Step 1: Go on an all-liquid diet.
By “all-liquid,” I hope you know I mean alcohol – none of that green, lemon-kale dredge that you pretend to like even though it looks like Shrek’s drool and probably tastes even worse. I mean, having a boyfriend is great, but have you ever tried vodka sodas?
Step 2: Key his car.
You have a lot of options here: Do you just want to key the side of his car, or slash his tires too? I’m going to let you figure this out on your own; I mean, either one is a pretty good choice. The only guidance I’m going to give you is this: make it clever. Sure, you could just key a few lines through his new paint job, but you could also do something better, like scratch out an Aubrey Hepburn quote that perfectly encapsulates your newfound independence. We may be crazy, but hey, at least we’re classy.
Step 3: Find a new guy who’s at least an inch taller.
Was your ex-boyfriend 6’2”? If so, find a new guy who is at least 6’3” and don’t settle for anything shorter. After all, nothing says “I’m over you and onto bigger and better things” like basing your next relationship off of something petty and easily quantifiable (i.e. your ex-boyfriend’s height).
Step 4: Cut off all your hair.
New do, new you.
Step 5: Channel your inner Taylor Swift and write a hit single about him. Alternatively, just stand outside his bedroom window with a boom box and play “Picture to Burn” on repeat to show him just how much you don’t care anymore.
Note: “Picture to Burn” could be replaced with any other T-Swift song, but “We are Never Ever Getting Back Together” and “Better Than Revenge” are personal favorites. If it’s a Thursday and you want to take your Insta #tbt to the next level, “Bye Bye Bye” by *NSYNC would also be appropriate.
Step 6: If you even remotely considered doing steps one through five, take a nap, eat a cookie and reevaluate everything.
Breakups are rough, I know. Whether you ended things amicably or because he did something totally unforgivable, like cheat on you or didn’t understand your Mean Girls reference, completely cutting somebody out of your life isn’t an easy task. The best thing you can do is give it time, be patient with yourself and refrain from doing anything you might regret in a month. After all, there are far better things ahead than the things we leave behind. From one crazy, hopelessly romantic girl to another: You’ll feel better before you know it, I promise. In the mean time, there’s wine, chocolate and Frozen sing-a-longs to get you through the day. And hey, if singing off-key to “Let It Go” is your biggest problem in life, you’re not doing too shabby, right?