So, you’ve been cheated on. Maybe you were in a committed, half-decade long relationship with your best friend *cough* me, or maybe you were in a committed, half-hour long relationship with that cute guy from physics class. Whatever the case, it happened, and now you’re hurt. As a writer, I probably can’t say anything that will make you feel better about the situation. BUT, as a sassy, self-proclaimed witty girl who’s also been cheated on, maybe I can do a little better.
Here are the six most valuable things I’ve learned from my experiences:
There are different kinds of cheating.
I remember actually laughing out loud when I heard that there was such a thing as emotional cheating. Being sensitive really isn’t my strong suit, and apparently being knowledgeable about relationships isn’t a strength of mine either. Seriously though, take the time to think about the different forms cheating can take; cheating isn’t necessarily a single action, but a spectrum. Sure, physically hooking up with a person other than your boyfriend or girlfriend is definitely cheating, but so is forming an intimate, emotional dependency on another person and feeling the need to hide it from your significant other.
It’s not your fault.
Seriously – I can’t stress this one enough. If you were cheated on, you can’t let yourself think that it was your fault. It’s so easy to say, “if I were skinnier, this wouldn’t have happened”, or “if I were prettier, I wouldn’t be single right now”. Excuse my language, but I call bullsh*t; absolutely none of that is true. When a person makes the conscious decision to cheat on their boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s a purely selfish action. It has nothing to do with whatever flaws you might have, and everything to do with their moral character and their commitment to being in a relationship. If somebody cheats on you, it’s a reflection of him or her, not a reflection of you.
“I was drunk” isn’t an excuse.
I still remember the first time my ex-boyfriend tried to use “I was drunk” as an excuse. I’d like to be able to say I came up with some super witty response and shot him down, but unfortunately that didn’t happen. I was so shocked that my picture-perfect, long-term relationship was finally coming to an end that I just nodded my head and kept silent. If I could go back now, I would tell past-me to channel my inner Beyoncé and find the strength to call him out on that. Sure, being drunk lowers your inhibitions, but is it really an excuse? Who’s to say that your significant other won’t get drunk and do it again? Is it still going to be a valid excuse the second time or third time it happens? Being drunk is rarely the sole reason for cheating on another person, so if somebody says this to you, there’s probably a deeper problem at hand.
There are no valid reasons for cheating.
Every relationship has its ups and downs, but in the end, there’s really no valid reason to cheat. If you’re in a dead-end relationship, break up. If you’re unhappy, speak up. Honestly, it’s not that hard. You might not be able to control the actions of your significant other, but you can control your own. Think about the kind of person you want to be. Like I said before, cheating is a reflection of the cheater, not a reflection of who’s being cheated on. If you really, truly feel the need to cheat on somebody, you can break up with him or her – it’s that simple. Even if you have no respect for your boyfriend or girlfriend, at least have respect for your own moral compass, and for what the idea of a relationship means to you.
“Getting even” won’t really make things even.
At some point after being cheated on, you’re going to be tempted to get even. Somehow, even knowing how much it hurts isn’t always enough of a deterrent to keep you from wanting to give your significant other a taste of their own medicine. But as hard as it is, try to resist the temptation. In the end, it really won’t fix anything. On the other hand, ice cream and chocolate are cure-alls that work 99% percent of the time.
Every situation is different.
Just as no two people are exactly alike, neither are any two relationships. While most relationships won’t work after one person has cheated on the other, some can. After all, mine went on (relatively well) for two years after I was cheated on before we broke up for other reasons. Sometimes it’s clear that you need to break up, but it won’t always be that way. If you want to try to make it work, make sure to talk freely and frankly so you can figure out what the next steps are. Don’t worry about what other people think: haters gonna hate (and believe me, haters will hate), but this is your relationship and you can make your own decisions.
If nothing else, being cheated on was a learning experience. Even though I wish it never happened, it did, and I just had to roll with it. Ultimately, I came out of this a stronger, smarter, better (and surprisingly sassier) individual, and I know now that being cheated on doesn’t define me or my self-worth. Sure, it was difficult watching my friends be in healthier relationships and seeing people get cheated on in movies, but eventually, no matter how bleak things may have seemed, I got over it and so will you. If you take nothing else from this article, take this: no matter where you are in your relationship (or lack thereof), always remember to have faith, continue to love freely and know that you’re not alone.