Book Recommendation: ‘Loud’ by Drew Afualo

I have never been a fan of “self help” books; It was the one genre that I could never get behind. These books always have the same vague, half-hearted advice that is really only helpful when you need a quick fix for your average, everyday problems. Advice such as, “If you’re feeling bad right now, have you tried being happier?” 

Incredible. Truly groundbreaking stuff here.
That is until, while scrolling on my For You page, I heard the voice of every mediocre man’s worst nightmare: Drew Afualo. In the video, she was reading an excerpt from her book Loud: Accept Nothing Less Than You Deserve. It reads as follows:

“F*ck being cool and f*ck being chill. If the reward for being the coolest girl in the room is a sliver of attention from the world’s most mediocre men then I would happily commit to never being chill. And never being cool.”

(Afualo 55)

I was immediately hooked. I finished the audiobook in about a day and a half, and I reread the physical copy in roughly four hours. Thanks to Drew, I have now become the kind of person to say that a “self help” book has completely changed my life. 

To give some context: Drew Afualo is a content creator from Southern California, who rose to fame on TikTok back in 2020, in the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic. While we were all in lockdown, Drew was busy; busy fighting on the frontlines. Through her videos, she defends women and femmes by unapologetically roasting the misogynistic and fatphobic men of the internet. For clarification: when a man posts content that shames or belittles women, Drew is always there to call out that behavior. Which, in turn, allows for her fans to gain the confidence to call out misogynistic behavior in their everyday lives. 

Over the last four years, she has garnered over eight million loyal followers, was named one of Time Magazine’s Next Generation Leaders, made the Forbes’ Top Creators of 2023 list, and of course, has now become a New York Times bestselling author with the publication of her first book Loud. Through all of her endeavors, her mission statement has remained the same.  She has always encouraged her fans to reject the patriarchy, in all of its hideous forms, to destroy any amount of internalized misogyny festering in our minds, and to live our lives authentically–for no one but ourselves. 

There is no amount of praise that could fully convey how much I loved this book. If you’re already a fan of Drew’s TikToks, then I can promise you that that same stellar sense of humor from her videos shines through on every page of this book, but it’s so much more than that. By writing this book, Drew gave herself the opportunity to dive deeper and expand on topics that are difficult to cover in one minute videos. Topics such as: her Samoan heritage and Samoan culture, LGBTQIA+ identities, body neutrality, patriarchal norms, intersectionality, systematic oppression, and so much more. 

This book has changed my perspective on myself, other women and femmes, and it has made me realize just how much power I willingly gave away to men who didn’t deserve it. 

Now, it was close to impossible to decide which chapters I wanted to highlight, seeing that they are all of equal importance. And while the last thing I want to do is attempt to summarize Drew’s book (because no words of mine would ever do hers’ justice), I felt it was important to give you a window into what to expect if you do choose to read it.

 Chapter Three: “Confessions of a Teenage Pick-Me”

The third chapter explains the term “pick me.” By Drew’s definition, a “pick me” is a “woman leveraging her self-worth in exchange for a man’s affection, all at the expense of another woman.” (Afualo 53). This could mean exhibiting traits or claiming interest in things that would be purposefully appealing to men. 

To clarify: having the same interests as the men in your life in no way makes you a “pick me.” However, if you were to look down on other women and femmes who don’t share those interests, then I hate to break it to you…

Female friendships are one of the many blessings of being a woman/femme. No one knows you like your girls. However, if male validation is someone’s key focus, even subconsciously, they’ll have unintentionally devoid themself of those friendships and will be left with nothing except the men who will never pick them. 

While I wouldn’t say I ever lived for male validation, I would be lying if I said that there was never a time that what men thought of me was a constant loop of anxiety in my mind. As humiliating as it is to admit that, I know that every woman/femme can relate. Society trains us to value the opinion of men, to dim our light to gain his favor, to pit women against each other so that only one can win. Win what? A man? No thanks!

This chapter made me think of not only my own actions, but also the actions of the women in my life. How many times had I gotten into an argument with one of my girlfriends over a boy? How many times had I watched my friends lose themselves to the pitfall of male validation? How many times have I watched myself dim my personality, or hesitate to make a joke (that I know is funny), or lie about my interests?

Not anymore. Why should I lessen myself to make a man like me? I like myself, and that’s what matters.

Chapter Six: “I’d Rather Die Alone”

For as long as I can remember, I have been coined the “man hater” in my friend group. Which inevitably pegs the question: What happened to you to make you hate men this much? The answer? Nothing, really. But let me ask you a question: Have you ever tried talking to one?

In this chapter, Drew perfectly explains why more and more women are choosing to remain single and not settle for unfulfilling romantic relationships. Nothing bad has to happen to cause someone to decide that they are tired of putting up with men’s bull-sh*t. Drew shares a personal story of how she came to the conclusion herself, that a man who disrespects you is a thousand times worse than being alone. Not lonely, but alone. 

I’ve never felt so seen from a work of writing. I’ve always joked about how I was more than likely going to “die alone”, and my friends have always accused me of being “too picky”. Similar to Drew, while “my dying alone” started as a joke, recently, I can’t help but feel like it’s true. Not because I can’t get a date, but because I don’t want to waste my time and energy on a guy who is more than likely undeserving of the love I know I am capable of giving. 

Most people’s biggest fear is dying alone. Mine is dying next to a man I settled for.

“Remember: nothing scares a man more than a woman who knows she does not need him.”

(Afualo 129)

This book, as I said, has changed my life. I wholeheartedly believe that all women, femmes, and men (yes, even them) should read it. Because the patriarchy impacts us all, societal expectations impact us all. The more we can learn about it, the less likely we are to participate in it. I’ll recommend this book ‘til the day I die. 

Not only is it important to be well educated on the topics covered in this book, it’s important to understand that supporting women needs to be at the forefront. Drew’s platform has been clear since day one. The objective is to uplift women and femmes so that they can be equipped to fight back against the patriarchy, and the horrible men of the world. Drew’s voice as a writer is powerful and meaningful, and with every word on the page, she manages to change someone’s perspective. If you decide to read this book (and I really hope you do), I hope it benefits you the same way it did for me. 

This book is so much more than a memoir, more than a manual, a “how-to-guide”. It’s a beautifully crafted love letter written and devoted to all women and femmes. This book is your friend telling you that your feelings are valid. It’s your older sister holding your hand as you begin to navigate a world free from male validation. 

But most importantly, it’s yourself.

It’s living your life for no one’s approval except your own.

We are more than ignorant biases, stereotypes, and stigmas. We are not, and have never been, just one thing.

We are women.
And we will be loud.

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