Valentine’s Day coming up has got me thinking: It can be a difficult holiday for those who are single, but a holiday celebrating the open expression of love can especially isolate those of us suffering from heartbreak. For us, February 14th is a reminder of a relationship that didn’t work out and how we no longer have the privilege of sharing a piece of our heart with someone… This feeling can obviously arise at any time of the year, so if you can relate–and want to change your relationship with love–then listen up!
Now, I’m not going to sit here and say “You just have to get over your ex”, especially when behind this article, there’s a teenage girl clacking away at her keyboard in the middle of the night, neglecting her own feelings after her first real heartbreak… because really, it sucks. It sucks so bad to feel like a connection you once had with someone special is gone, or will never be the same, even after all you’ve shared together. I won’t deny that, because I feel it too. But what I do know is that in this short period of time since my breakup, things have gotten easier–or at least have started to feel less insurmountable–and there comes a time where you’re ready to let love back into your life, even if it means not loving that same person anymore. So, if you’re ready to begin this journey with me, here are some things that help me to lead a life of love after heartbreak.
Allow yourself to think of them fondlyÂ
Although it might be easier at first to say “screw them!” every time you find yourself missing them, I’ve found it takes much more emotional energy to be angry. Instead, I like to recall my favorite quote from one of the best books about love: “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it,” (“Eat, Pray, Love”, 150). Now, I’m not telling you to go texting your ex every time you think of them, but you don’t have to match every warm thought of them with feelings of hatred and disdain. Take these moments to remember the good, be grateful that you got to experience it, and continue on with your life.
Know it’s okay to be alone
Fresh out of a relationship, it’s going to take some time to be comfortable with being alone again, but it’s okay to start with substitutions. You won’t have those nightly Facetime calls to recap your day, or those sporadic texts when you see something that reminds you of them, but you can still give yourself the space to feel joy in the things you used to share with them. Maybe this means making a list of all the positive things that happened in your day; taking a moment of gratitude for them and “sharing” these experiences with yourself (or even a friend or family member) can be an easy way to replace the nightly Facetimes. It can feel very quiet at times, but it’s important to re-learn how to be content with your own company.Â
Learn to love yourself
Easier said than done, I know… This can be one of the hardest goals to achieve after a breakup, but it’s genuinely the most important thing–like–ever so, sorry!-you have to. Now, for most of us, it’s not actually loving ourselves that’s difficult, but finding ways to treat ourselves like a priority after feeling rejected by your ex. Show yourself a little bit of love throughout the day, by making a balanced breakfast, splurging on that iced chai, wearing a cute outfit–do the little things you love because you deserve it.Â
Acknowledge those who love you
There are so many different forms of love, and just because you don’t have romance, doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. Sometimes it might take extra effort or time to recognize it, but love is all around you: your parents love you when they tell you to study harder; your friends love you when they ask you to meet for coffee; your siblings love you even when they annoy you; your pets love you when you just say their name; your study buddy loves you when you take good notes for them. When you want to feel love, remember it’s everywhere.
Don’t be afraid to love
Honestly, I’m afraid… but this is the last thing standing in my way of having a full arsenal of love, and I won’t let fear strip me of this beautiful quality of life! Just because you had a bad experience with love, doesn’t mean you have to abandon it altogether. After having your heart broken, love may seem like this daunting, manipulative, terrible thing, but really, love is so much more than something that can break your heart. You are capable of loving, you are deserving of love, and your heart only aches because you never stopped loving, so you’ll always be able to love, if you allow yourself. It’s important not to let fear of rejection or disappointment keep you from spreading, searching for, or receiving love that’s prominent in your life. When you’re ready, put yourself out there to openly receive love, make an effort to spread love and kindness to others, and find the right people in your life that will share this with you.
In essence, love isn’t reliant on a romantic partner, and is something that completes us as individuals. In other words, even though it can be both wonderfully rewarding and heart wrenchingly painful, love is in our nature and it would be an injustice to deprive yourself of all depths and colors of love. Hopefully this helps you to channel and express the love that you will always have within you–no matter your relationship status and even in spite of heartbreak.Â