Disclosure: Please don’t take me seriously.
I wish I could say what women wore to class didn’t matter. That you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. That it is what’s on the inside that counts. But full disclosure, I’m a horrible person, and I definitely judge your sartorial choices. I’m like Joan Rivers, but without Botox and with better hair. (Not like it’s hard to pull off either of those things.) As a self-appointed member of the fashion police, here are the top four crimes I see on Cal Poly’s campus.
1. Going practically naked in sub-arctic climes
Every Friday night, walking to VG’s or back to my apartment, I see the same thing: girls who look attractive but freezing in their body-con dresses, tight skirts or barely-there shorts. How can you have fun when your body is devoting all its energy to making sure you don’t get hypothermia? One of these days, I’m going to go around with a wheelbarrow of blankets and drape them around all the women I see who are wearing about 10 percent of what’s temperature-appropriate. Once they’re happily ensconced in some woolen warmth, they’ll thank me.
2. Wearing spandex to class
Yes, your Lululemon pants cost $100. Yes, for that price, they should be able to pull double-duty in your wardrobe. But no, that doesn’t mean they do. I can’t decide what’s worse: admitting defeat, accepting that you’re wearing work-out gear and pairing your Lulu clothes with colorful Nike sneakers and North Face fleeces, or denying reality and trying to match Luon with real clothes like cute sweaters or girly scarves. Either way, you’re not fooling anyone. If you can go straight from Pilates to philosophy, something is wrong with what you’re wearing. Let’s put a little effort in, ladies!
3. Ripping outfits straight from catalogs
How many variations on this Brandy Melville ensemble have you seen? Floppy bun, loose-knit top that looks like it was crocheted by a yogi but was really made by a Vietnamese sweat-shop worker, neutral-colored crocheted shorts/skater skirt, scrunched up socks and brown or black lace-up boots. It was cute the first 10 times. Now, it’s just boring! Brandy’s slogan shouldn’t be “one size fits most,” it should be “one fashion fits all.” Another offender in this category is the Victoria’s Secret girl, who looks like she’s trying to become an Angel through sheer brand loyalty. She’s sporting a quarter-zip hoodie with glittery wings on the back, Pink sweatpants and a Pink backpack. Extra credit if she’s guzzling water out of one of those sassy Pink tumblers emblazoned with quotes like, “I love to drink,” or “Hydration Queen.”
4. Wearing head-to-toe sorority gear
I’m going to be honest, I wanted to join a sorority just for their charming little tanks and jackets. But as adorable as they are, I’m not impressed when I see girls wearing their chapter’s t-shirt PLUS their chapter’s sweatshirt layered on top PLUS their chapter’s bag … This is not “Spirit Day: Greek Alphabet Edition” — please don’t wear more than three letters at a time. I’m really happy you love your sisterhood, but let’s not forget you presumably wore clothes before you joined a sorority. Maybe it’s time to let them come out of the closet again.
Maybe you’ve committed some of these fashion faux pas yourself. I’d like to ask, for the sake of my eyes and everyone else’s, you mix things up a little. And if you catch me violating any of my own rules, well, you have full license to make a citizen’s arrest.