Hey Chico State besties! My name is Natalie, and I’m super stoked to be writing to you today. Since I’ve just established that we are now besties, there is an important job I must do as your bestie. What is it you may ask? My job is to protect you, especially from the creeps and crawlies. Creeps and crawlies are a tough nut to crack. The toughest nut to crack by far is a narcissist. Think of a narcissist like those pistachios you find in the bag where the shell is stuck on there, and you have to gnaw on it to crack it open. It hurts right? It messes up your smile? You know what though, that chili roasted flavor is so spicy and delish it might draw me back in. Folks, through the art of pistachio, I have given you a glimpse of what life is like with a narcissist. Narcissists are sneaky, under the radar, and sometimes you never see them coming. If this resonates with you, have no fear, because with me as your gal pal, I will be the comically large magnifying glass that helps you find them.
First off, I just want to say, I am not an expert, but I do moonlight as a person who has occasionally coherent thoughts. Luckily for you, today the moon is out queen! In order to be the G.O.A.T at spotting narcissists, you have to master the art of G.O.A.T.
G- Gaslighting:
The Merriam Webster Dictionary definition of gaslighting is, “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”
I will give you an example from my own life. I had a best friend of five years, who went on family vacations with us, was in our family pictures, and who had seen me go through a traumatic time in my life. Long story short, we were close. When I was nineteen, I found out she had been spreading rumors about me for nine months. I was like “A full term pregnancy length of time? Okay girl, you are determined!” Some friends of mine had observed her spreading rumors about the traumatic time, my weight, my personality, etc. During those nine months I had noticed people were not a fan of mine and I didn’t know why. I would often go to her very upset and say, “I don’t know who is doing this, I just wish I could fix it.” Each time she would hold me in her arms, stroking my hair, and say “I don’t have any idea who would do this.” She would often theorize possible people it could be, sending me on a wild goose chase. Once I confronted her, instead of taking accountability, she tried to find every way possible to degrade me, or make it feel like it was my fault. The gaslighting made me doubt what I knew about myself. My friends, I’ve got news for you. You are in no way responsible for the crappy stuff people choose to do to you. They are responsible for their choices, and their reactions. If you are trying your best to be a decent human, you are doing just fine.
O- Ostracize:
To be ostracized is to be excluded. Narcissists want you to believe that they are confident. The fact is, they are some of the most deeply insecure people I have ever come across. It is why they want your entire world to revolve around them. Sometimes the way they may attempt to ostracize you is by severing your relationships with other people. If they realize for a second that your attention could be on someone else, the game is on. In my case, the narcissist in my story, did not like that I had friends that were not her. It’s not that I didn’t need her apart of my life, I just liked to share my world with others too. This is the reason she spread the rumors about me, to ostracize me and make my world small. This can start to show up in many ways. It can present as a partner having strict rules about the people you hang out with. They might say things like “Oh I don’t like them, you’re much better off hanging out with just me.” It also might show up through a partner talking bad about your family. This partner might say, “I don’t like them because they seem to not like me, so I think we shouldn’t talk to them anymore to strengthen our relationship.” If you feel like your partner, a friend, or someone in your life is having you make choices like this, please reach out for help and guidance through a medical professional.
A- Amp Up!
Have you ever seen the movie, Dirty Dancing? There’s a quote in it where the main character says, “No one puts Baby in a corner.” I think of this phrase when I think of narcissists because when you put a narcissist in a corner, the flood gates are loose. Think of it like this. A partner or friend may do something wrong, and it offends you. You go to them, and you might say, “Hey I just wanted to talk with you and let you know that the comment you made about my body hurt my feelings.” A narcissist will likely “amp up” and say something akin to, “What? What are you talking about? Don’t be so sensitive, that was not my fault. Take a joke. You know what? If you don’t want someone to notice it, you shouldn’t eat an extra cookie like you did the other night. Honestly, this was messed up for you to bring this up to me.” How would this make you feel initially? It would likely make you feel badly about yourself due to the weight comments, and you may feel a need to apologize due to the last sentence they said. If you are experiencing, or have experienced something like this example, I would like you to know there are ways out. You should not feel like you have to apologize for having feelings. There are resources out there, including the WellCat Counseling Center. You are loved, and your feelings have value. There is a place for you in this world. You deserve to feel safe.
T- Tip Toe on Eggshells
To tip toe on eggshells means to be afraid of what someone might do or say if you step out of line with their rules. Often when someone is in some sort of relationship with a narcissist, they find themselves on the receiving end of the aforementioned “amp up” stage. When you are in a constant cycle of being on the receiving end of the “amp up,” it can envelop you in a perpetual state of hypervigilance and fear. You may be afraid to step one toe out of their guidelines, out of fear of being verbally assaulted, being invalidated, or getting the silent treatment. A partner or friend could make an insulting comment, and a little voice in your head could say, “What they said bothered me, and it ruined my day. I guess it’s better to suffer in silence and forget about it. I can’t handle them getting mad.” No one should ever have to feel this way. Your worth is limitless, and your light deserves to feel bright and not diminished. Seek what you deserve. I know it may be scary but it is worth it in the long haul.
That is all for today, beautiful people! I hope my somewhat coherent thoughts brought you validation and healing. I want you to know you have options, and your dreams are awaiting you.
Love you, mean it,
Natalie
Resources:
The WellCat Counseling Center:
https://www.csuchico.edu/counseling/
The National Domestic Violence Hotline, Narcissism and Abuse: