Is Your Friend Toxic?

Friends are like siblings you never had. Someone who understands, supports, and uplifts you. Friendships can help you see situations from a different perspective. They are your biggest support system, but are not scared to tell you when you’re wrong. Friends are always there for you when you need someone to talk to or even if you just need quiet company. Most of my friendships with other women have been the best experiences in my life. I had never felt more fulfilled and appreciated before I met these amazing people. 

On the flip side, I have encountered some friends who have presented themselves to be this supportive system in my life, but I was deceived. Finding out that the friend you once thought was your ride or die is secretly out to get you has to be one of the most gut-wrenching feelings ever. These “friends” do a surprisingly fantastic job at hiding their true intentions and animosity so the red flags of their toxicity might seem like beige flags. If you have to question your friend’s loyalty to you, they most likely shouldn’t be in your life. But I have been in this situation before and trust me, a friendship ending is equally as hard as a relationship breakup. On the bright side, some losses aren’t losses. You don’t lose real friends when you stand up for yourself and set clear boundaries. These toxic friends may slip up and sell themselves out at some point in the friendship, so here are seven signs of a toxic friend to keep an eye out for. 

Constant criticism: If you notice your friend criticizing your every move, run. This person will belittle your achievements in hopes of diminishing your self-worth. They want you to overthink everything to the point where you go to them for advice constantly, so they feel superior. Like you need them. A critical person is an insecure person. They criticize others to deflect attention away from their faults. 

Dishonesty: Toxic people are dishonest because they want to gain sympathy from their friends as a sense of control. Frequent lying, gaslighting, blaming, and inconsistency are all signs of a toxic friend. This friend is rarely or more accurately, never truthful. They will change the narrative of a story to make them look better in a situation. When confronted with a problem, they overcompensate on how they did not do what they are being accused of. They always portray themselves as a victim and place blame on everyone else but themselves. This is such a noticeable flaw in a toxic friend because every situation takes two to tango. The victim mentality is a form of gaslighting because they are distorting your personal perception of a problem. 

Humiliate you in public: Have you ever been in a situation where your friend brings up an unnecessary/humiliating joke in front of a crush or a group of people? Do you think that “friend” made fun of you to boost your confidence, no. They wanted to tear you down to show their superiority and your weakness. Public humiliation is a way to gain social status at your expense. The social status aspect of a toxic friendship is a way for them to assert power over you. They want you to think that if other people enjoy their company, you should too. Humiliation is downplayed as “just a harmless joke” because they would never want to hurt you, right? Wrong. Once again, a toxic friend’s goal is to be seen as better than you. 

The competitive friend: Do not get me wrong, a good-natured competitiveness can be motivating and beneficial to an individual. However, when it stems from jealousy, they become an unhealthy competitor. Someone constantly trying to one-up you does not want to see you succeed. They are genuinely unable to be happy for you. This is a way for them to convince themselves that they are much better than you. If you look at it from a different light though, it shows how low they see themselves. 

Self-centered: A friend that talks about themselves all the time and never listens to you is not a friend you need. If they are not the center of attention, they get irritable. They have created such a self-dominated world around themselves that the idea of someone else problems being important is shocking to them. They take more time to focus on themselves than giving attention to others. They never reciprocate the same time, effort, and energy you give them so why stay friends with them? Whenever you talk about something important or new in your life notice if the response you are given is short and dry or interrupted. If they cannot express more than a “that’s cool” or if you notice them not paying attention on purpose you have a toxic friend. 

Lack of trust: A true friendship is one where you can count on one another. A non-judgemental relationship no matter the circumstance. With trust comes respect, and they are key to a strong sisterhood-like bond. Friends get closer by telling each other stories and getting to know each other on a more relatable/personal level. The sad reality of a toxic friendship is you cannot trust the person you have become so close to. Furthermore, you can not trust their words, but their actions are not certain as well. This friend may try to pry personal information out of you because they thrive when talking about you to others. The lack of trust may begin with the “friend” telling family members your information and it is not going to stop there. You may find it hard to figure out if your information is being told to other people you will eventually catch onto it. This toxic friend knows that they need to approach people you do not have close relations with because they need to keep you in their lives. You are their fuel. Do not let this person downplay, I know it is hard but stand up for yourself. Whether or not your information is told or not is your choice only. 

Love bombing: Toxic friends love bombs constantly because they know they are guilty and want to keep you close. It is a distraction from their wrongdoings. If you ever feel like your friend is portraying any of the six characteristics above, look out for their next needless kind gesture. It is a manipulation tactic used to remove your mind from their shadiness. Love bombing is a tool to force trust and is an easy way for that toxic person to become an important person in your life. This action comes from a place where the person has something to lose when they are being that nice. Almost like a sale pitch as to why they are great for your livelihood. 

Life is complicated enough, why keep the draining friend in your life? Take a step back and evaluate what you value in a true friend. You deserve to have peace of mind in your friendships. If you notice any of these behaviors, it is important to approach them with your concerns. Don’t immediately jump to the conclusion that this person is trying to ruin your life. This may be a situation where you can understand why this friend is acting this way towards you and turn it into a learning experience.

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• friends
• friendships
• mental health
• toxic