When I was 17, I went to see a psychic. I was having trouble deciding what I wanted to do with my life, and I clung to the idea that this person could give me all the answers I was searching for. And, more importantly, that she could tell me everything was going to work out fine. I would read up on what careers those with my zodiac sign were most likely to get into. I even bought my own tarot cards to start predicting my own future.
When I was in high school, I had a very simplistic view of how life worked. I believed that some things were meant to be, and that there truly was order behind the scenes of the chaos of life (we just couldn’t see it yet). I impossibly tried to cling to this belief that I could make sense of the senselessness. I tried anything to avoid the possibility that life & my future were uncertain. So much has changed since then. I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs, and no one has been able to make sense of them for me.
Along the way, I’ve started to rely on making my own decisions. I’ve searched for what interests me, and I’ve worked hard to go after the life that I want. When I look back at that younger version of me, I realize that the biggest problem was that I was scared, and I didn’t know if I could believe in myself. I wanted an outside source to affirm my capabilities.
In reality, I didn’t need someone to tell me what was going to happen, I needed to see that I could take care of myself. I needed to see that I could work towards my goals while dealing with unforeseen problems. And I’m glad that no one could tell me what was going to happen back then, because taking things in stride has been so satisfying for me. And I’ve loved so many of the surprises that have come along. And I feel way more independent and stronger than I ever did back then.
I’m not going to lie, I still wonder if there are answers to why life is the way that it is sometimes. Like when you lose someone you love, or you don’t achieve the goal you worked so hard for. This curiosity even drove me to take a philosophy class on the meaning of life. I was curious to see what experts in the field of philosophy could do for my belief system. I learned about secular & theist outlooks alike.
At the end of the semester, none of the philosophies that were presented to me in class had resonated enough with me. However, it did give me the idea that I could figure out my own meaning in life. What do I have to offer the world around me? And in what way would I feel that I’m living a life that has meaning? All of these are new questions I’m exploring. And as for the unanswered questions that will always be there (the why’s?), I’ll just have to keep showing up for myself in spite of them.