Every wise person knows that the best things come in threes. (Omne Trium Perfectum, to the Average Joe). And products of the pumpkin spice variety are no exception. As many of you readers know, two years ago, an article series for the ages was born (New Pumpkin Spice Product Ideas That Absolutely No One Needs). Every year since, I’ve been met with requests for more and more pumpkin spice ideas… It’s simply as in demand as ever, and I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to upgrade this project to trilogical status. And now we’ve arrived to the best months of the year…and the autumn air is sprinkled with a sensibility of cinnamon…nutmeg, and… ginger?Â
This can only mean one thing. It is time to bring “Useless Pumpkin Spice Product Ideas” back for the third consecutive year! Let’s get into this year’s pitches.Â
1. PUMPKIN SPICE PUMPKIN (GENETICALLY ENGINEERED)
True pumpkin spice fans know that the spice mix actually contains zero pumpkin. Not one drop! And what better way to make up for it than to create a new line of pumpkins that are genetically modified to taste like nutmeg and cloves? Call that pumpkin-centered pumpkin spice. Â
2. PUMPKIN SPICE BRAT ALBUM
By now, everyone knows about the summer of Charli XCX’s iconic BRAT album. It’s always “BRAT Summer” this, “BRAT Summer” that. But no one ever talks about BRAT Autumn. With Charli XCX and Troye Sivan embarking on their joint North American Sweat Tour, this album is more relevant than ever. And what better representative is there for this era than a new Pumpkin Spice Limited Edition BRAT Album? What would this entail, you ask? Why, all the same songs, but with a tasteful orange cover. At $68 per vinyl, this is sure to turn a real profit.Â
3. PUMPKIN SPICE ICE CUBE
This is an ice cube with an unmistakable, faint, pumpkin spice flavour. Customers could purchase this to water down their cafe drinks at a surcharge of only $1.27. Steal!Â
4. PUMPKIN SPICE BRIGHTSPACE
We all know and love Brightspace – what better [virtual] place to spend an evening? In a bold endeavor into the tech field, I am pitching a brand-new Pumpkin Spice Brightspace application. All the text on the website will be published in orange Comic Sans. Oh, and there will be pumpkin GIFs everywhere. Everywhere.Â
5. PUMPKIN SPICE DIGITAL CAMERA
Digital cameras are all the rage this year. Who doesn’t love a slightly blurry photo with a grainy filter? Come on. There’s only one thing that could improve this trend: a digital camera that casts a hint of orange hue on everything. A truly unique and unreplaceable photo-taking experience!
6. PUMPKIN SPICE BEETLEJUICE
This final and unforgettable product idea is a spin on the classic Beetlejuice film (and now franchise!). Unlike the Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice sequel, no new footage will be filmed for this special edition. Instead, CGI will be used to add the most atrocious pumpkin spice product placements known to humankind. Not one second of its 92-minute running time will be wasted. Lattes in the afterlife waiting room, muffins at the Deetz dinner table, frappes for the sandworms… This is only the start. I can barely contain my excitement for this surefire box-office hit.Â
That wraps up this year’s elite selection of useless pumpkin spice product ideas! I hope these ideas have filled you with the true spirit of the pumpkin spice season. As always, interested investors should feel free to reach out to my business agent.
Happy fall everyone!