I have no clue how to begin this process, so I will start by simply expressing exactly what has been occupying my thoughts for days. I am about to turn 20 and I want to work out how to go about taking personal responsibility for improving my life.
I am proud of the progress I have made over the course of the last year. My mental health is stable for the first time ever. I feel like my life is finally pulled together. I am no longer the out-of-control, spiralling disaster my ups and downs teenage me was convinced I was.
I am in a steady romantic relationship with someone who I love very much. I have made several new friends, all of whom I consider myself very lucky to be acquainted with. University is going well –- I love my majors and have a clear sense of my future. I am proud of my trajectory for the first time in a while, which is a very satisfying feeling.
All of this said, there’s plenty I need to improve on, too. Here is what I –- with plenty of assistance from my therapist –- concluded was the most pertinent: I base too much of my happiness and internal state on that of those around me. I know that I would be much calmer and more content if I did not rely on everyone around me feeling that way before I allowed myself to experience it too.
How can I be a better at 20 than I was this last year? I need to focus on maintaining my own internal balance. I am responsible for how I feel and that’s that. I do not need everyone else to act exactly how would think to be ideal -– that’s insane, controlling, impractical and many more adjectives no one willingly associates themselves with.
I am going to focus on myself and my own health. I love my friends and want to be the best person I can to them, of course. However, no one’s actions will define my happiness apart from my own. I can feel satisfied regardless. People are their own and we all do what is best for ourselves. This is only natural.
My fear of abandonment will no longer define me. People may come and go throughout my life, but the best I can do is appreciate the time I have. Life is impermanent and that is exactly what makes it special. If we had infinite time to experience the world, there would be no reason to appreciate anything. The uniqueness of first kisses and adventures is what makes them remarkable, and the same is true of life itself.
Of all the two billion years of this planet’s existence, you managed to exist in this one exact moment. How lucky are we all to be born at the same time as our friends, our parents -– anyone and everyone who makes our lives special? The impossibly large number of possible outcomes which somehow aligned to create you.
Every one of us here on this planet is a miracle. More than that, every friendship, every companion. We are beyond lucky to not only exist but exist with them, too. While this is clearly impossible, we have every possible reason to celebrate every single moment of being alive. Life truly is that precious.