Dear 18 year old me,
Wow, what a year it was huh? You had a very challenging year, didn’t you? It must’ve been hard to feel as though you failed your friends, family, your parents and most of all yourself. It was hard. You had just graduated. You had lost your virginity. You were expected to go to college. You didn’t get into the schools you wanted. You lost friends. You hurt others. You were heartless. You were lost. You turned to things that not everyone should. It was never for a good time though, no. It was to mask the pain, get through the pain, find a way out the darkness that somehow was always consuming you. You were afraid. You had so many people there around you to support you, to wish you well, and the more and more you realized this the more and more you let those people down. You were not strong, baby. You were weak. And even though you tried to fake it and tried to push through it all, it was not good enough. Baby girl you felt like you were never good enough.
Your friends all went away to college that fall. They all were doing something with themselves but you were stuck in neutral with no direction. You were lost. Then, you were looking for love in all the wrong people and wondered why you kept getting hurt. You wanted to love those who were broken and not realizing they were breaking you. You wasted your time trying to save those who were destroying you. You wanted to be independent. You wanted to feel important. You wanted to feel needed. You screamed for help but no one was there. You made mistakes. Somehow you never learned from them. Why would you date a man in a relationship? Do you think you deserve that? You settled for less…all the time. You needed rescuing but you were too blind to see that. You cried every night praying and searching for an answer. You did not get one. Everyday it felt like everyone was surpassing you. Everyday it felt like there was nothing to live for. Everyday you fell more and more into depression. You did not care about anything. Yes, Eastern Michigan fell through. Did that mean give up on education? Did that mean give up on yourself? You wanted to believe so bad that you were doing better. That each day would get better but it only got worse. Then, you possibly got pregnant and possibly had a miscarriage. Wow, what a stop in time. One day you are preparing to take a test and possibly tell your parents and then the next you have a random period that wasn’t supposed to start for three weeks. You were not ready, but it still hurt. You lost your ambition. You lost your hope. You lost your drive. Why though? Why give up on yourself, queen? It was not worth it. You could have made it. Why abandon your mental health? Was it not important enough to you? Why cry and suffer every night when you could have just said “D*mn it, I’m trying but I’m failing!”. Why did you have to die a little inside to get to where you are now?
Well, it’s okay. I picked up right where you dropped off. I got us to Clark Atlanta University. I got us an awesome position in an amazing organization. I met people who truly love us. I have found fantastic friends. I’m making our family, friends, and, most of all, parents proud of us. I’m grinding for us. I’m doing it a day at a time. No need to thank me. Sometimes it does get hard. Sometimes I creep into that insecure, cold, and depressed state. Depression is hard. Sometimes it feels like you’ve ran miles away from it; then it drives back up and puts you in the car. I’ve got this though. I’ll continue to do this. I’ll make you proud. I know you could not have imagined being here a year later, but here we are. We are brave. We are proud. We are happy. 18 year old me, thank you for that lesson. I needed it. Now it’s time to kick some ass! I’m gonna eat for us.
Love,
19 year old me that never gave up
Photocred: Thumbnail, Giphy