If you ain’t runnin’ with it, run from it
Gird your loins, people. The best holiday of the year is upon us.
Forget for a moment what you think you know about holidays. Sure, you probably like Christmas, because who doesn’t enjoy a good gift-giving holiday? Or maybe Thanksgiving if you’re into food and family and naps and football. Halloween, you say? I respect that and I also enjoy binge eating candy and wearing glitter all over my body.
All these days are nice, respectable celebrations. All wear their own hat. All deserve a nice round of applause. But, please, hold your standing ovation for the King of all the 365 days: L.D.O.C. (Read that as if I am singing it at the top of my lungs through a megaphone from the highest point in the bell tower with a chorus of angels harmonizing in the background).
To kick this thing off, I wrote an acrostic poem about the Last Day of Class because we are romantically involved. Consider this your mantra for Friday, April 24.
L Leave your worries behind
D Drink everything you find
O Of exams, we don’t speak
C Carry on without the weak
Now let me say that in English: class is over, there’s a lot of free alcohol in the area, exams haven’t started yet (so please don’t use the F word…finals), and sadly a lot of your friends are going to tap out pretty early in the day BUT YOU MUST PERSEVERE WITHOUT THEM.
What follows is a completely unstructured dialogue of tips for surviving L.D.O.C. from unidentified contributors (my friends) (are psycho).
H: The key to a successful LDOC is hydration. And by hydration I mean drinking any and all alcohol you can get your hands on.
A: Remember to pack all your essentials for transforming your look from day-ready to night-ready. And also be aware you will lose everything, forget to redo your makeup at all, and end up sobbing in a frat bathroom.
S: Wait, why are you telling them not to talk about final exams? This is THE final exam. The ultimate test to show off the tolerance you’ve been working on all semester.
L: Make sure to pace yourself and eat meals! Just kidding, beer is fine. Beer has calories. Beer is food.
C: Am I allowed to say pack a mimosa for class? Okay, fine, pack a mimosa for “AFTER” class.
S: Ah, LDOC. One last chance to get Frat Ratchet as an upperclassman.
H: Only two weeks stand between you and summer, so you might as well go ahead and celebrate. #mama #wemadeit
I will conclude by saying that I find all of the above inadvisable and irresponsible.
I will also conclude by saying I will be participating in every possible way. Best of luck to everyone. Hope to see you on the LDOC playground so we can get “Frat Ratchet” together.