If my limited years on this Earth have taught me one thing it’s this: white men will never fail to disappoint. In this list, I intend to explore the many different categories of straight, cisgender, white men which I have had the distinct experience of meeting. These range from those I grew up with to my newer college acquaintances and are in no particular order.
Loves Guns and Bible Tattoos:
A quintessential part of the Southern Washington (where I grew up) experience, but also somehow a staple of everyday life in most places. These white men think camo belongs in every outfit and that Instagram is for holding pictures of dead animals. They’re ready at a moment’s notice to tattoo a Bible quote that is completely contradicted by their blatant support for Donald Trump. They both want to fuck me and shoot me.
In a Frat:
Pretty self-explanatory. I feel like we’ve all heard enough frat jokes, so I won’t tire you out too much with them. Like the previously mentioned group of white men, these guys are also Trump supporters but do it because their Reagan ass dads convinced them that trickle down economics is a real thing. “Trickle down economics” is coded wording for being a little sheltered, bad at sex baby. The apolitical faction of these guys who don’t like talking about anything too heavy and just want to play die are also bad at sex.
Male Feminist:
Ok bitch, we get it. You do the bare minimum of treating women like human beings instead of objects so that you can…have sex with us. I know you’re “sensitive,” I know you’ve seen Lady Bird, I know you paint your nails to signal to women that you’re not a threat and aren’t like other men. Just because you’ve never sexually assaulted anyone doesn’t give you a ticket straight towards sainthood — it just makes you normal. Please stop talking about how you go down on women, that’s like an extremely basic thing and not something you deserve a pat on the back for.
Skinny Tarantino Cigarettes:
I had a film studies class with you and you’re dumb as fuck. The way you talk over women, the way you dislike any film made by or centered around people of color, the way you called our professor “unqualified” after she called your favorite director problematic, despite her having a PhD and you being a freshman in a BFA program. Also: you’re not funny. Whoever told you that you’re funny (probably your mom) is wrong and should die. I’m not listening to you play guitar badly, I’m not watching your IP, fuck you, I’m not doing any of it anymore.
The Elderly:
Stop looking at my boobs. I swear to God, I could literally kill you if I wanted to. Stop cat-calling me from a bench, I’m going to beat you up. Stop trying to engage me in conversation when I literally don’t know you and I’m just trying to exist in a public space. I don’t want to talk to you and I’m just barely replying because I’m trying to be polite. You’re ugly, I’m the age of whatever grandchildren I imagine you have. Stop flirting with me.
Philosophical (just smokes):
What you’re saying is not prophetic, you’re high right now. I know you think you sound super smart, but I have the honor of breaking the news that you sound like a dumb ass. “The Universe” is not the cosmic, higher power helping you through things that you think it is. It’s just that you come from a lot of privilege and have had a relatively easy life. You make me feel bitchy or confrontational whenever I correct you after saying dumb shit. I’m just gonna try and separate myself from you and your tapestry that’s definitely culturally appropriative.