I have been a Bachelor fan since Ashley’s season on The Bachelorette, when she and J.P. made America believe that love could actually be found on the show. I was appalled when Kalon called Emily’s daughter “baggage,” loved to hate Courtney on Ben’s season, and made bets as to how many times Juan Pablo would say “Ees okay” per episode.
I defended the show to Bachelor non-believers, saying that despite the cameras and manipulated drama, it is possible to find lasting love. And I still believe that – when the bachelor isn’t Chris Soules. This is why I think that Chris has made this the worst season in Bachelor history.
1. First of all, I disliked Chris from the beginning, even when everyone saw him as the sweet contestant on Andi’s season who was her “secret admirer.” Chris, you’re on national television actively fighting for Andi’s heart. Nothing about this is secret. I immediately saw it as a ploy for attention, and in no way did my heart melt like every other woman’s in America.
2. I gave him a chance, I really did. I told myself that just because I wouldn’t live on a farm in Iowa for all the money in the world, doesn’t mean that there isn’t a girl out there for Chris. But a lot of the girls are from Los Angeles or San Diego and have jobs as journalists or singers – not typical attributes for people who want to move to the middle of nowhere. This actually isn’t Chris’ fault, but rather the producers’ for choosing Chris as the Bachelor in the first place. In the picture below, we see Chris in his natural habitat: taking a selfie in front of a tractor.
3. Next we move on to Chris’ date conduct. Specifically, he had girls race tractors in their bikinis while he watched, fully clothed. Seriously? I am not typically one to be sensitive about these issues, but that date was just so degrading and almost humiliating for the girls. If I were one of them, I would have just ridden that tractor right off the show.
4. Fast forward to another group date involving bikinis. But this time, the bikinis came off, as a few girls skinny-dipped in the lake. And then Chris gave one of them a rose. Wow, what an epiphany. All I have to do is go on national television, take off my clothes in public, and boom I’ve found love. Good to know, Chris.
5. But thank God for Britt, who called Chris out on his actions and asked him at the cocktail party why he was encouraging this behavior. To which Chris responded:
“I guess uh. I see two sides… uh Kaitlyn has a lot of different facets that are… not. And I don’t… those aren’t… I see the, the Kaitlyn that’s just… uh you know what I mean. I mean, obviously, I mean if you like her or dislike her, I don’t see, I don’t look at Kaitlyn as being some really… I mean I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior, you know, by giving roses to people or and I view is that a maybe… uh.”
Did that clear it up, Britt?
6. The fact of the matter is really simple – Chris cannot speak. And when he does, it either a) doesn’t make sense, b) comes out so monotonous it might as well not make sense, or c) is about farming. Okay, the last one might be a slight exaggeration but you get the point. When you’re juggling 35 women on reality TV, you really need to be charismatic, articulate, and able to address criticism and defend yourself.
7. Let’s not even talk about the group date where he had girls run in wedding dresses through a mud obstacle course. And then only the winner got to go on the date with Chris. The rest of the girls just had to go home. In wedding dresses. Alone. And muddy.
8. And I really think we’d all like to forget the horrifically awkward date with Carly, where a sex guru instructed them to undress each other and breathe heavily into each other’s faces for five minutes. Don’t act so surprised, Chris — we know you planned this.
9. At this point, I would just like to pause to give a piece of advice. If there is a lull in the conversation or an awkward pause, that is not an indication that you should start making out with the person. This might just be me, but if I have nothing to say to someone, I generally don’t feel a desire to make out with him. If you don’t feel a connection, send her home, Chris!
10. Finally, we come to the group date in the February 9 episode. Everything starts off normally – Chris is intimately making out with every girl on the date – but then it’s Britt’s turn. Chris takes her to a surprise country concert across the street where he gives her the rose in front of hundreds of people, leaving the other girls alone for over an hour. When they return, Chris mumbles something like, “I, um, gave, uh, Britt the rose. I’ll, uh, leave you ladies to it.”
The remaining girls then cried for the rest of the date. While watching the Bachelor, I am typically one to laugh at all the crying and dramatic girls, but these girls had a point! It’s really just inconsiderate.
Where’s that tractor so I can ride off again?