Connect over the summer.
Skype. Talk on the phone. If you’re in the same city, meet for coffee. Speaking with your roommate before you live together makes it easier to form a natural friendship. During your first conversation, just get to know each other. “Ask their major, ask where they came from,” says Kayla Mento ’15. The first meeting – virtual or in-person – can be awkward; try to avoid snap judgments. “Don’t make an unchanging first impression,” says Stephanie Welling ’14. “Everyone’s different when they first meet someone, and that will quickly change over the course of the year.”
Then, hammer out details by email. There are basic things you’ll need to address: Kayla mentions that planning out “cleaning arrangements is a must.” Make lists of what each person is bringing to avoid duplicates of bulky bins or appliances. Be sure to ask questions about your roommate’s preferences and be clear about your own. Do they do their best writing at 2am? Do you need at least some alone time each day? It’s better to share info early on so it doesn’t lead to conflict later in the semester, but don’t be overly picky or specific. “Be honest, but don’t be terribly honest,” advises Kayla, “because you could scare your roommate off.”
Respect the roommate contract.
“In order for things to go smoothly, setting rules for the living area is a must,” says Kayla. Early in the semester, your RA will likely walk you through the creation of a roommate contract. The document allows you the opportunity to set standards for your communal space. “Roommate contracts may seem silly, but they do come in handy,” says Stephanie.
It’s difficult to settle on rules with a stranger, but it’s critical to offer clear expectations. “Be completely honest when setting your boundaries at the beginning of the year,” says Amber Neszpaul ’15. “Don’t shrug off the roommate contract. If you’re not okay with people watching TV at 2am, or throwing parties without asking you first, you need to be up front about it as soon as you move in. Believe me, it will save you a lot of grief, because you’ll never fall into a situation where your roommate says, ‘Well, you never told me this would bother you!’”
Swap schedules.
Keep a hard copy of your roommate’s schedule on hand and give her one of yours. If you want real-time updates, create a shared Google Calendar. You don’t need to keep tabs on one another all day, but knowing when your roommate is out allows you to plan moments alone. “You will learn how to have time by yourself with someone else in the room and when you can and cannot interrupt their alone time.”
Be observant.
In the first weeks of living together, students often aim to be accommodating. They’ll generally let things slide more easily than they will during a frazzling Finals Week. Take that time to pay attention to your roommate’s rhythms, habits and routines. Then, actively look for ways to be helpful. “The most difficult thing is trying to be as considerate to your roommate as you want her to be to you,” says Kaitlyn Shirey ’18. “It may be a pain to take a phone call to the hallway, but a studying roommate will appreciate it as much as you appreciate her keeping her laundry off the floor.”
Talk often.
If you and your roommate survive on small talk, you’ll likely find the year ahead to be difficult. Be sure you’re spending enough time with them to ensure casual conversation. When you’re used to swapping stories and sharing ideas, you’ll find it much easier to bring up what bothers you. “If you have an issue with your roommate(s), address it immediately,” advises Stephanie. “You both have to have the same amount of respect for each other or it’ll never work.”
Embrace privacy.
When you’re at home, you never have to worry about embarrassing moments or wacky habits being shared with the whole neighborhood: what happens in your house stays in your house. In many cases, the same should go for your residence hall room. “Never talk behind [your roommate’s] back,” says Stephanie. “It will most likely get back to them, and then you have to literally live with your mistake.” If your safety is threatened, tell the campus police or a Chatham staff member. But if your roommate just snores or sleeps with a teddy bear, you don’t need to tell anyone. “Be open-minded,” says Stephanie. “Everyone has different lifestyles, quirks, and needs. Remember that the things they do in the room were once things they used to do alone. They might seem strange but it works for them, just as your quirks work for you.”