At the end of this summer I got dumped. Like hardcore, almost-out-of-nowhere after-2 ½-years dumped. I thought I would be prepared for this, having been a lifetime Swiftie, but somehow it still knocked me flat on my ass. So, in honor of my seven-month breakup anniversary, here is my love letter to that broken, terrified girl and all the others out there on the perilous journey towards healing.
1. It ended for a reason.
My ex was a good person who broke up with me for reasons seemingly out of our control. I spent months refusing to place blame, not wanting to invalidate a beautiful, meaningful relationship. While rewatching one of the world’s greatest movies, Good Will Hunting, I finally realized that the breakup was reason enough! The right person would never make me feel as horrible as I did, and shoutout to young, sexy Matt Damon for reminding me of that.
2. Block him. But maybe don’t burn his stuff, yet.
You will eventually realize that no-contact is the only option, even if it takes crying over his “active” dot on Instagram every day for a month to finally learn. Taking care of yourself does not make your breakup any less amicable or any more final.
Conversely, keep all your mementos in a box under the bed and save all the photos as a hidden album. You can always throw them out later – so just take a beat. Let a less unhinged, self-destructive future version of you make that call.
3. Not all your friends will know what to say.
And as painful as it is, that’s ok. Be honest and choose to spend time being with people and doing things that make you happy (or let’s be honest, slightly less depressed). The others will catch up eventually.
4. What to do when you feel like you’re drowning.
When you are having one of those moments (you know which ones I’m talking about), take a breath and ask yourself:
1) Where specifically in my body am I feeling this? A pit in my stomach? Aching in my hands? Your mind is at a loss – listen to your body.
2) How bad is it, out of 10?
This isn’t a perfect system, but it helps. Somatic therapy, anyone?
5. Growing comes with pains.
In the beginning you still feel the same connection with your ex. The cognitive dissonance is unbelievable – he is still your person!! However, you’ll both change, until one day your connection is only with the memory of him. You will no longer know how long his hair is or which professors he hates. Saying goodbye to that visceral, painful connection which served as your last tie to him hurts, but in a bittersweet way. A melancholy tinged relief.
6. Repression is the opposite of healing.
One day you’ll wonder if you still talk about him too much. At what point is it unhealthy to still be wallowing in self-pity?? I’m not sure, but I do know that nothing good ever came from suppressing your feelings. There is no way around it – just through it. So be forgiving of yourself; vulnerability is truly the bravest choice you can make.
7. Reconnecting with Her.
One of the hardest parts of the breakup is untangling your identity from his. You realize how much of your internal dialog was in relation to your partner. But things weren’t always this way. Eight-year-old you didn’t lay awake, tortured by the debilitating need to say goodnight to some guy! She stared out at the moon and pondered the mysteries of the universe, never feeling incomplete within herself. You will eventually find your way back to her, and it will be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life.
8. Acknowledge that there was a valid future
After the breakup you feel disillusioned, even distrusting of yourself. What did I see in him? How will I know if the next one is any different?? Accepting that the breakup was for the best doesn’t mean you couldn’t have had a beautiful, viable future together. Trust the version of you that wanted to stay and allow time to grieve that life. And hey, the wide-open future is scary, but at least now you don’t have to live in Atlanta someday!
9. Just keep swimming
The days of tear-soaked pillows and masochistic text re-reading will (mostly) pass, but almost seven months out I have yet to have a day I didn’t think about him. The grief becomes more manageable, but no less present. Sometimes it begins to feel hopeless. All you can do, cheesy as it is, is just keep treading water. Take a moment to appreciate what you have, give yourself time to acknowledge your pain, and keep kicking your damn feet.
10. All that love came from you
My biggest realization in the healing process came from, of course, a TikTok. I can’t remember the creator, but she mentioned that what you feel in your relationships comes directly from you. As beautiful and unique as he was, the ability to love in that all-consuming, thrilling, life-altering way was not given to me by anyone. And scary as it is to imagine feeling that way again someday, I take great comfort in the fact that it is not limited to the boy I dated when I was 16 years old. It is, and always will be, mine.