Breaking The Silence: An Opportunity For Change

*Trigger Warning: This article, or pages it links to, contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors. 

As I sat down to write this article, I knew it would be challenging. I have never been a victim of gender based violence, so my knowledge was extremely limited. After taking a Women Studies class this semester, I was exposed to how big of a problem gender based violence really is.

I wanted to write this article as an avenue for awareness – something that can help educate, give accurate, factual information, and help start a conversation for change. But I also wanted to use this article as an avenue for change in my own community by opening the conversation, and giving women a space to come forward and use their voice.

In light of this, this article comes to you in two parts: The Facts and The Feelings.

The Facts: Everything You Need to Know About Violence Against Women

Violence against women is a global epidemic that has been occurring for centuries. The United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women defines violence against women as:

“any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life.”

The United Nation’s Women’s sector estimates that 35% of women worldwide have experienced either sexual violence and/or physical violence some time in their lives. 

According to the United States Census, the world’s female population as of July 2017 is 3,675,865,167. If these statistics are accurate, and we take into account the UN’s estimate for violence against women, that means approximately 1,286,552,808 women, or 1 in 3 women, will be affected by gender based violence during their lifetime.

The top 5 countries where gender based violence is listed as a top priority are:

1. Rwanda

2. Mexico

3. Cameroon

4. United States of America

5. Democratic Republic of the Congo

With the United States of America being the #4 top priority country for violence against women, becoming educated and informed about violence against women is the crucial first step in protecting yourself and changing this worldwide epidemic.

Violence against women can be broken down into 3 main sectors: physical, sexual, and psychological.

Women Across Cultures: A Global Perspective (3rd Edition) by Shawn Meghan Burn breaks down these categories further into specific violent acts.

Physical violence can include: Domestic violence, stalking, dowry murder, honor killings, and female genital mutilation

Sexual violence can include: Rape, sexual harassment, assault, abuse, forced prostitution, and human/sexual trafficking

Psychological violence can include: Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and aggression

Violence against women, whether it be sexual, physical, or psychological, continues to be an epidemic, not only worldwide, but on college campuses in the United States. Clemson University is no exception to this rule.

The faculty of Redfern Health Center and Public Health Sciences did a research study of 720 first year female Clemson Students. The study found “approximately 20 percent of first-year women at Clemson University experience some type of sexual victimization.”

This abuse can have long lasting, life altering effects on the victims. Gender based violence can affect women’s physical health, mental health, family life, and economic security.

Even with these long lasting effects, the United Nations reports that “In the majority of countries with available data, less than 40 per cent of the women who experience violence seek help of any sort.”

If this is such a common epidemic, with approximately 1 in 3 women worldwide experiencing gender based violence at least once in their lifetime, why are women not coming forward?

Womensmediacenter.com explains a few reasons women do not come forward with abuse, including: lack of information or knowledge about resources in their area, underdeveloped law enforcement, victim blaming, stereotypes revolving violence against women, women’s financial dependence on perpetrator in the event of domestic violence, or fear of retaliation.

The Feelings: Survival and the Aftermath- Personal Testimonies

Like I said, I personally have never been a victim of gender based violence. In writing this article, I wanted to provide as many facts as possible to promote the education of the topic, because I myself had a lot to learn in regards to violence against women. But what I didn’t want to occur was a long list of facts, some opportunities for change, and that’s it. Because that doesn’t accurately reflect this epidemic. Telling you 1 in 3 women will experience this doesn’t give you their stories; it doesn’t provide a name, or a face, or the testimony of their struggle. It doesn’t truly become real until you meet someone, hear their story, or you yourself, have experienced the hardship of gender based violence. We have seen the success and the beginning of change for the  #MeToo movement that allows women to speak up against the violence they were subjected to.

In response to this, I decided to run my own version of the “MeToo” movement within my personal community.

This is not my story to tell. But for these women*, it is.

*some women have chosen to remain anonymous for their own personal safety and security

“My first boyfriend was emotionally abusive, and at the same time, I had an emotionally abusive friend. I felt expected to fill in certain roles in their lives because I’m the woman (things like sex or a caregiver to a friend). The hardest part has definitely been the aftermath, moving on from that and changing my expectations for people, especially the men in my life and my current boyfriend. I love him, but there are times when i can see traces of those same prejudices sneaking back in…

I think the thing I would really want others to know is that they deserve respect. If they feel they aren’t being treated well, they’re probably right. I ignored that gut feeling for a long time and it ended up hurting me more. Women shouldn’t be afraid of asking for what they want and being confident.”

-Clemson University Student, Age 19

“A majority of my first semester at Clemson University was spent in between my dorm, the library, the Clemson Police Department, and the Office of Community and Ethical Standards. This is because as a freshman I was relentlessly stalked on-campus and online by a 35 year old male student for 4.5 months. During those 4.5 months I suffered from severe paranoia, anxiety, panic attacks, and nightmares as I was constantly aware and fearful of my surroundings and stalker.

My experience sparked a fire in me which gave me a greater sense of empathy, a louder voice, and a more genuine care for others who have been through similar experiences. I no longer stand by when I hear someone make a joke alluding to sexual assault. I no longer say “oh…it’s okay” when a boy gropes my backside at a Halloween party and lazily apologizes. And I no longer question the intentions of any woman who is brave enough to be her own advocate in the face of our court system.”

-Maggie Herring, Age 19, Clemson University

“When I was 19 I started seeing a guy who acted like the most supporting person I ever met…he definitely had a mean streak but I thought it was just his “shell”. Fast forward about a month, and he was extremely forceful about sex, refusing to use condoms and pushing my boundaries. It always hurt but I had to pretend it didn’t so he wouldn’t lose his temper. I used to cry softly into my pillow during, then put a smile on after. Outside of this, he was so emotionally turbulent. He would lock me in his car, drive to an empty lot, and scream at me when I did something in public that he didn’t like. Then he would ignore me till I apologized. I was so afraid of him that this one time I got lunch with a girlfriend of mine and I laid shaking on the floor of her car, so scared, so he wouldn’t see me leave school with her.

What still hurts today is when I realized that people don’t care. If I told someone a little about what happened to me, I know it made them uncomfortable. But I think I would want people to know that, eventually, you’ll find someone who cares. The world might not be ready to face the harsh reality of sexual abuse, but you can carve out your own space and one day be the light for someone who needs someone to care.”

-Clemson University Student, Age 23

“I was sexually harassed by a friend of mine earlier this year. He came over to my dorm really drunk and being inappropriate with his touching and would not leave. We had made out before but never anything else…things got very out of hand and he kept pushing me to go farther even though he knew I didn’t want to…I just felt cornered. I haven’t ever told anyone…I didn’t want to have people thinking of me as a ‘victim’ because in my mind I feel like there is something more I could have done to stop things. Part of me knows it’s not my fault, but the rest of me feels like it is.”

-Clemson University Student, Age 19

“At 6 years old, I lived in Section 8 housing. This is important to know because, in government held properties, inspections are frequent and mandatory. We were due for one, but you can’t tell that to a six year old. The only thing I cared about was my cartoons being on. My mother walked into the living room. She had seen my room uncleaned. When she asked me why, I didn’t respond, so she marched up to me and grabbed me under the arm. It’s important to know here that she had her nails done at least every month, so they were long and hard and digging into the soft skin under my very small arm. I was dragged down the hall into my room. Her voice was echoing off the walls as she screamed at me to get it done.The assumption is that violence against women starts with men, but assumptions can be dangerous.

8 years later, I’m fourteen years old. I was at a party when a girl walked over to me at the bonfire. She had approached me several times that night. It was a chilly night, so her arm around my back wasn’t what surprised me. It was the hand in my back pocket. With that simple gesture, I knew I was bisexual, but that wouldn’t be the last life lesson my first girlfriend taught me. I was suffering from major OCD at the time. Not the haha, I’m a neat freak kind. The white glove, can’t eat breakfast after 10:00, bed tucked so tightly you could bounce a quarter off of it kind. The first time she visited my house, and the last time we were together, she began pulling things off my shelves and laughing as I began to hyperventilate. She then outed me to my family before I kicked her out. Another woman treating my disorder like it was nothing, all in my head. She would be the last to pull that kind of emotional abuse on me.

A year later, I was back in a brick and mortar public school for the first time since 3rd grade. I was a sophomore with all freshmen friends, but I’m the mom type, so it’s not that surprising. I was at a football game in chilly October when one of my friends asked me to break up with her boyfriend. She was bored with him. The next month is a blur that culminates in the following: he rode the bus to my house from school and we walked down the wooded trail behind my neighborhood to be alone. He wanted more privacy, so we went back into the woods a little ways to sit down and make out. He laid me down in the clay. He was on top of me now, his hand moved to the top of my jeans. I kept trying to push him away, but he said it wouldn’t be a big deal. We weren’t gonna have sex. I thought fine, I don’t want to argue, unbutton them. He pulled them down and my bare ass was now on the cold red clay. He put one finger against my vagina, then two. It would be two weeks before I remembered screaming “no” and “stop” as his whole hand went in. It would be months before I realized that this wasn’t even the first time he had done so, but the memories are still mostly repressed. I don’t know if I can call that a blessing.

March 2012. It was a video of the hallway outside of my class, the hallway beside my locker, the hallway I walked through every single day for the rest of my high school career. I I entered the bathroom just as he came into frame. He doesn’t even have to look around. He knows there’s no one in the halls. He just follows me right into the bathroom.The principal said they found my picture along with fifty other girls, but they left that part out of the news. It’s not good for the school’s image to let everyone know that this guy was doing this for months before anyone knew. Two years later, on the night of November 8th, he touched three underage girls-older than 14, but not older than 16, the charges state-in the restroom under the bleachers. Girls that were my little sister’s age. Girls that my little sister was classmates with, that she maybe even knew because she was a freshman at the time. I saw it on the news.

I was telling this story to one of my insiders at Domino’s when I decided that I needed to share this with you. Seeing that face, the face of someone I never could have suspected, plastered on the news still haunts me. The takeaway is this: it could be anyone at any time in any place.”

-Amber Miller, Age 21, Clemson University

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I would personally like to thank each woman who contacted me for being brave enough to tell their story.

In listening to these stories, I was completely astonished and heartbroken. People I know and love are being taken advantage of, and hurt, and no one is talking about it.

That’s why this article was written. I am done and completely tired of this conversation being swept under the rug. It is time for each person to step up and break the silence. These women deserve to be heard, believed, and supported.

You now know the stories, and some names, and a face of people who have been through this.

It may start small, but one share, one conversation, one intervention can change someone’s life. Can change the stigma. And can change the epidemic.

And it can start with you.

On an everyday basis, there are things you can do to contribute to the effort.

HeForShe, an global campaign created by UN Women, give 3 examples of easy ways to help prevent violence against women.

1. No Trolls: if you witness online abuse, report it immediately

2. Teach Peace: spread awareness and teach tools to help stop gender based violence before it happens.  

3. Active Bystander: be aware of your surroundings. Asking “Are you okay?” can help a potential victim escape a dangerous situation

Other ways to help include:

• Share What You Have Learned: spreading awareness is incredibly important. The more people who know about an issue, the more people there would be willing to take a stand and make a change
• Stop Blaming The Victim: No, it wasn’t about what she was wearing, or whether she consumed alcohol. It’s about the male’s unwillingness to stop.
• Break The Silence: It is time to break the stigma about violence against women. Even if you do not have your own personal testimony with this issue, help support others who do and encourage them to raise their voice on this issue.
• ASK: Each person is different. In trying to support others, ask what THEY need.
• Commit To The Cause: make the effort to join the movement. You can be the one to make the difference. Commit to HeForShe here!
• Make a Monetary Donation: Donating to the UN Women can help increase funds to raise awareness and help stop violence against women. Every single dollar can help.
• Donate

Don’t let the testimonies of these stories go waste. It is time to make a change, for each person that is affected, and for the safety and protection of women everywhere.

• Clemson
• gender-based violence
• Me Too
• sexual assault
• university