Let’s go ahead and state the obvious here: relationships in college are hard.
And if you don’t have the one-in-a-million, love at first sight experience, relationships in college are hard x100.
You are meeting tons of new people all the time, and if you are single, all these new people may seem like potential candidates to you. If you are anything like me, your thought process might go something like this: “Oh he’s cute. Wow, okay, hello handsome. Is he single? Maybe he’s looking? Ooh la la. Okay. No. Get a grip. What if he doesn’t want a serious relationship right now? Do I want a serious relationship right now? Breathe. You’re fine. Everything is fine. Oh my god, I had hummus for lunch. What if my breath smells, and then he talks to me, and he’s all like ‘yeah she’s alright’ but only remembers me as the girl with the hummus breath??”
….need I go on?
Whether you have experienced the paralyzing fear of hummus breath or not, there is one common factor almost all college students experience when it comes to relationships: the fear of uncertainty. It takes courage to open up and try to meet new people, especially if you are looking to be romantically involved with someone. College also tends to take the concept of being “romantically involved” and turn it into a hazy, grey twilight zone. It can mean something different to every person you talk to. But no matter the details of said involvement, there is one thing that needs to be addressed.
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Maybe, the attraction slips in and nestles between you and a friend. You find yourself preoccupied with the shape of his hands, or the way she fidgets with her shirtsleeves when she’s nervous.
Sometimes, you meet someone and it just feels right. Maybe it’s the boy across the hall or the girl living in the suite next to you. You start to think about them a lot, and your bubbly/terrified/excited self turns into the full blown Buddy the Elf “I feel really warm when I’m around you and my tongue swells up” kind of liking. Then all of the sudden you and your roommate are singing Hannah Montana’s He Could Be the One at the top of your lungs at 11:30 p.m. on a Tuesday, and there is no way he doesn’t feel the same way about you, because he texted you first and invited you to a party this weekend.
And yes, when he is 3 beers in and says you look beautiful, he might really mean it. Or when she asks for your notes and wants you to tutor her, and gushes about you how great you are, she might truly feel that way.
But from a girl who has been there, and gotten it all wrong, I warn you of this-
Do not confuse desire and convenience.
I know when he dances with you at that party you won’t be able to stop smiling for a week and your heart will try to pound its way out of your chest just thinking about the way you moved together. And I know you’ll give her your homework next class, too, because she grins at you when she asks for it, and you really just want to see the dimples by her chin when she tries to hide her smile.
But I also know that you’ll wonder why he didn’t call until the next party, or why he didn’t text you when he said he would. You’ll see him walking around campus with another girl and wonder if you weren’t good enough or pretty enough for him. You’ll wonder why she doesn’t talk to you when she gets the grade she needs, or why she smiles at the boy sitting next to her like she sometimes smiles at you. You’ll wonder where you went wrong.
It hurts to be put on the back burner, to feel like you are merely a check on a list or a stepping stone to an achievement. At this point, as painful as it is, you need to consider if you are just a convenience for your crush. If he/she only talks to you when it fits into their schedule or want something from you, you should keep walking.
You deserve more than being treated like an option.
You deserve to be respected. You deserve to be a priority. You deserve to have the wild, crazy, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you love you have always believed in. You deserve loyalty. You deserve true desire: not just for your body, but for your thoughts and the passions of your heart. You deserve to know that you are not second best, not a convenience, and not an object to just be lusted after. You deserve to set the standards high, and have someone willing to make the climb.
Love is messy. Feelings are messy. Love and feelings in college are the food fight of the romantic world. Keep your eyes open to what’s around you. Never settle for something solely because you have the option to. Finding someone who will treasure and cherish you can take time. It can get discouraging when you are forced to wait. I am not there yet, dear readers, so I sit and wait with you as well. But when you find someone who can show you true, selfless love, I believe we will all look back and see that the wait was completely worth it.