Everyone has that moment. That moment where you know you’ve hit rock bottom. That moment where you feel like the world is against you and you can’t do anything right. Here’s my rock bottom moment:
It was the summer before my senior year. Leading up to this point, I had struggled with anxiety and depression. I was also worrying about so many things: senior year, friendships, my relationship, colleges, GPA, community service, and the list goes on and on. I had so many things resting on my shoulders, and I believed it was my job as a soon-to-be adult to handle them all on my own.
It was a summer day and I had just got done with marching band practice. I had so many things to tell my therapist! I had to reschedule my last session with her, so I hadn’t seen her in about eight weeks. I wanted to tell her about how I was struggling with holding an officer position within the band and trying to be a good leader without being too harsh. I wanted to tell her how annoyed I was with one girl in my section and I wanted to ask for advice with how I should handle her. I was so frustrated I started ranting to thin air on the 30-minute car ride to my therapist office.
When I walked inside to the waiting room, something felt off. The waiting room had more people than usual in it. The longer I waited the more uneasy I felt. After glancing at the clock six times, and wondering why she was running 20 minutes behind, it hit me. I had missed another appointment with my therapist. The appointment was Tuesday, not today. It was such a little thing; a small mistake. But it broke me.
I hurried out of the waiting room and ran back to my car. I sat down on the burning pavement by my car and sobbed. I cried for what felt like hours. I had this voice in my head that kept telling me I was a screw up. It kept telling me I disappointed everyone, that I’ll never get better, that I didn’t deserve anything I had. By the end of my hours long depressive episode, I felt awful. I was drenched in sweat from sitting on hot pavement, and then sitting in my non-air-conditioned, leather seated car (I don’t remember moving into the car, but at some point, I did). I had burns over the back of my legs from the pavement, I was severely dehydrated, and my head was pounding. My thoughts had been so loud, but at this moment it was quiet. I had no thoughts. I just sat there and stared at my pathetic self in the small car mirror.
In that moment, I realized I couldn’t do this anymore. I had change the way I lived my life. I realized I couldn’t continue putting the weight of the world on my shoulders. I had to realize that I couldn’t do everything. I had to tell myself that I’m not perfect and there’s no shame in asking for help. I had to accept that I will mess up and when I do I can’t beat myself up. I must continuously remind myself to love myself; to love my flaws.
At the end of my darkest day, I saw the light. Let this be a message to anyone and everyone: It is so important to realize you do not have to be perfect, and that is ok. The most important thing we can do in life is learn to love and accept ourselves.