1. Cut your hair.
Nothing says “I’m over you” like drastically altering your looks to spite your ex. Your newfound freedom opens up opportunities for socializing, networking, and other meaningful activities — so it only makes sense to start with something as trivial as hair. The key to a post-breakup makeover is to be the polar opposite of what you were before: attractive. It is not enough that you are undesirable to your ex — you should try to be an eyesore for all mankind. Don’t think about how hasty decision-making will surely yield regrets the next day; just grab a pair of scissors and go at it.
2. Throw away everything.
Distance is crucial to heal both the mind and body. Try clearing your surroundings of mementos of your failed relationship — yes, this includes that ticket stub to the Knicks game (you don’t even like the Knicks). Now tear it up as savagely as I tore up my rejection letter from Stanford. The less you are reminded of your ex, the faster you can move on, so don’t be stingy with your cleaning. Is that pile of clothes tainted with memories of laundry Sundays together? Toss it all. Did you used to watch rom-coms with him on that 30-inch plasma? Goodbye overpriced monitor. Does your toothbrush beckon memories of sweet pillow talk that ensued after ahem-ahem? To hell with basic hygiene.
By the time you finish sorting through your belongings, you should be left with nothing more than a mattress — use your own discretion when handling this memento — and plenty of space. Congratulations, your material worth is now equivalent to that of a hobo.
3. Travel to Europe to “find” yourself.
I never quite grasped the concept of “losing” oneself in the first place. I didn’t realize I had to keep track of myself like one of those poor leash children in the malls. Abstract concepts aside, if I did need to find myself, I wouldn’t begin the search in a continent I have never set foot in. That makes as much sense as my losing my car keys and my friend asking, “have you checked your pockets or France?”
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In all seriousness, don’t fret about this hiccup in your love life. There are plenty of other socially inept fish at Carnegie Mellon who would be happy to spend their PlaidCa$h (who started it, CMU or Ke$ha?) on you. At this point, you have two options: stay single or stick around long enough for one of these dormant money volcanoes to explode *cough computer science boys.*