As August comes to a screeching halt and September lunges at us with the force of a premature period, it’s time to leave our beach days behind us. Maybe you had a relaxing summer filled with #selfgrowth and #metime. Or maybe you had a whirlwind of a summer because you listened to the news, or you worked too many hours, or you lived at home and your mom asked you to organize the Tupperware drawer, which made you freak out because you’re too old to stack your mom’s Tupperware, but you’re too young to live alone, and this caused an existential crisis about aging and the power of adolescence. But who knows…maybe that’s just me.
In any event, it’s September 1st, which means that it’s time to trade in our flip flops for fuzzy socks and launch confidently into the new year. Yep, that’s right. It’s time to set some #fallgoals. The following are 9 suggestions from my favorite Instagram account (@femalecollective I love you so much) accompanied by my expert analysis.
- Invest in yourself
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To me, investing in yourself means saying no to things that you don’t want to do. For instance: Do you REALLY want to sit in a wet field and watch your best friend’s boyfriend play soccer? Do you REALLY want to go to that party with that girl who you just met on Tinder? Investing in yourself means cancelling the bad stuff and scheduling the good stuff. Whip out your planner right now (if you don’t have a planner, please consider buying one because they make you feel like a super cool secretary sitting at the desk of LIFE) and pencil in some me time. Yes, that’s right. I want you to write down “light a candle and journal, 5-6pm.” Do it now. Thank me later.
- Leave toxic relationships behind
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Ever wonder if you should keep that one friend who only calls you when they need something? Maybe you find yourself constantly treking across campus just to listen to that friend complain about something minuscule when, in reality, you’d rather be in bed watching Queer Eye? Do you ever question if this friendship is actually healthy and beneficial? Because ladies, I think we know the answer.
- Mind your own uterus
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When I say my body, you say my choice! Ready? 1, 2, 3…My body (my choice!), my body (my choice!).
- Don’t settle
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Once upon a time, I found myself in a relationship that didn’t make me feel good all the time; it just made me feel semi-good some of the time. Then one day I decided not to settle, and now I feel really good all of the time (but especially when I’m eating salted caramel ice cream on the couch by myself and SPRAWLING).
- LOVE YOURSELF!
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LOVE YOURSELF! LOVE YOURSELF! THIS ONE DESERVES ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT. I DON’T MEAN JUST LOVE YOUR BODY, I MEAN LOVE WHO YOU ARE. LOVE THE CHOICES YOU MAKE, THE ALTERNATIVE MILK YOU DRINK, AND THE THINGS YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF CLASS BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND SO IS OAT MILK.
- Protect Mother Earth
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Please for the love of pandas and clean water and New York City above sea level, protect Mother Earth. Go to thrift stores. Stop supporting fast fashion. Better yet, stop buying new clothes altogether #bringbackcapris. Consider going vegan. Or vegetarian. Or cutting out cheese once a week because LORD KNOWS these things are hard. Spend 30 seconds dividing your trash into recycling bins. Spend 30 seconds Googling which material goes into which bins because I KNOW it ain’t always easy. I promise: if you protect Mother Earth, she’ll protect you right back.
- Communicate your feelings
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Here’s how this might happen. 1. Feel upset about something (you’re not really sure what it is, you’re getting your period soon so maybe that’s it). 2. Nope, the feeling is getting closer, and it’s definitely not your period. 3. Maybe it’s that stupid group project. 4. Maybe it’s that stupid group project with those stupid group members who don’t do any of their stupid work 5. Feel REALLY REALLY angry. 6. Swear that you’ll NEVER do a group project EVER again and how come no one knows the difference between their, they’re, and there anyways?? 7. Let those feelings pass. 8. Collect yourself and think rationally. 9. Present your feelings to your peers. 10. When your group members articulate their ideas, listen to them. 11. And when they do their work, forgive them.
- Have more orgasms
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Psst, guess what? Orgasms are super fun! Have one in the morning! Have one at night! Have one whenever your roommate goes to class! Psst, guess what else? Vibrators are super fun, too! Sometimes they make you orgasm! You might have an orgasm alone or with another human being or with multiple human beings! The cool thing about orgasms is that they can be super fun no matter what, how, or with whom!
- Continue smashing the patriarchy
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Today I smashed the patriarchy by working out in the gym and locking eyes with a little girl who then whispered to her friend, “So strong.” Tomorrow I will smash the patriarchy by listening to my black friends and letting down my defenses. And in 100 years I will smash the patriarchy by being the only woman in the world to survive solely on oat milk and orgasms.
So, my dear reader, this semester I want you to listen to your body. I want you to listen to your wants and needs, and then communicate your wants and needs to yourself and to others. This semester, I want you to treat your mind and soul the way you used to treat those beautiful little side bangs. Tend to yourself each day and always remember to moisturize.