Year: 2013
Dorm: N.A. but when I’m on campus, Coburn.
Favorite dining hall: Riverside Grill: where dreams become reality, where the Bloody Mary’s mark the end of one great night and the start of one even better, where women succumb to not only my stunning widow’s peak, but also to the melodious tones of my voice – an allure that none will rebuff.
Major: Latin American Studies with a concentration in the South American drug trade
Hometown: Frisco, Cali
Relationship status: It’s complicated with too many to name.
Three Things You Can’t Live Without: Edgy women, a good hair gel (soft hold, but greasy), and a tough, anaerobic workout.
Interests: National Geographic’s most recent series on the world’s deadliest cats.
There are few vehicles notorious to Colby’s campus, but when I know one, I challenge it to a street race. Sometimes, when the skies part and the cold air meets with the warm, a series of nearly ten races are warranted – while my stint has seized due to near arrests, and the in-effect year-long hiatus of the White Widow’s greatest enemy, and closest friend, my interest subsists yet.
Favorite Movie(s): Lion King and 2 Fast 2 Furious
Favorite Song: December, 1963
Favorite Book: El Estudiante de Salamanca by Espronceda
Favorite Professional Athlete: OJ Simpson
What do you do on campus?
When I’m not burning off the carbs from Foss’s Chicken-Pesto Stromboli down in the gymnasium with my lifting partner Nick “Beef” Bethlem, I often find myself wandering aimlessly in the spa in the hope of finding something; what is this something to which I refer? Well, it depends on the day, the week, the season. Many times during these saunters I yearn to see a damsel in distress, whose eyes are as exquisite as the Northern California night sky, looking for a hero who can be her savior. I am that prince, yet my Rapunzel has yet to call to me.
What’s one girl trend you don’t understand?
Situated for eternity in the canon of great Hollywood hits there is a movie, which to this day presents a most troubling trend that women adhere to. Let me set the scene: the end of the saga has come and there in the tree-city one of the male protagonists finds himself distraught because he fears he has forever lost the love of his life to another man, who happens to be his best friend. The heroin, lets call her Leah, humorously dismisses the man’s dejection saying, “You’re right, I do love him,” lowering the man into even more depressive a state. With that wily, yet maddeningly innocent smile on her face, she follows this statement by whispering in the ear of her lover, “he’s my brother,” and then displays her mutual love with a long kiss. We are all Han Solo, Forceless to the thoughts and desires of the Princess Leahs of the world – why make things so complicated until the last second, when they’ve been clear the whole time?
What do you look for in a girl? How about a deal breaker?
Give me a girl who can drink a beer, sleep till 3 PM, and whose smile sends shivers down my spine. Deal breaker? An unprecedented booty.
If a girl offered to make you dinner, what would you ask her to cook?
I’d respond like this: Sweetheart, let’s break down traditional gender roles and go out to dinner.
What’s your most embarrassing moment?
When I was a sophomore in high school the Winter Formal’s theme was “Hollywood,” so my friends and I hit the local discount suit shop knowing that the following day our purchases would be tainted by cola, frito-dust, and the like. Well, from a bin marked “take your pick – all suits fifteen dollars” I happened to have come across a faux-silk suit with stunted lapels, fit me like a charm and even extenuated lower section the way I like it. As it turns out, this was a suit designed for women, as my girlfriend at the time pointed out when she had no back pockets to sneak her hands into during the slow dance. My rebuttal to her statement, “Baby, I did that on purpose, there are front pockets for a reason.” As Robinson Crusoe once wrote, “Embarrassment is only such when not embraced.”
What’s your favorite pick-up line?
If you were a booger, I’d pick you. (Followed by a wink and a little nose twitch)
How do you handle being so good looking?
That’s an interesting question, I’ll give you two ways. Firstly, I always keep sun visor down with the mirror facing me in The White Widow, my bitchin Toyota Land Cruiser (keep an eye for those Cali plates and I must just offer you a ride), because that way I’m constantly reminded that I look better than any other schmuck cruising around campus like he owns the place. Secondly, while some girls try to surround themselves with friends who aren’t as good looking to amplify their own looks, I try to do quite the opposite. I adhere to the philosophy, which has landed me in the arms of beautiful women since the latter half of second grade: Surrounded by men, who are as handsome as you, guaranteed success. (That’s a haiku)
What makes you different from the average Colby student?
Quite simply, I combine exemplary academic performance with an irreproachable demeanor on the weekends. One dean once called me a stalwart of all facets that Colby boasts as their own. Whether it’s acing a test or partying harder than the rest, I’m different for I am the best.
How did your first kiss go down?
It was nearly dawn on August 8th and the rising sun was just beginning to burn off the fog looming over Lake Tahoe, which, at this hour of the night, was still as glass. I was sitting in the living room of a dark, timber framed home on land that was once a peach farm and as I filled my lungs with the summer air, which had sweet undertones of peach and morning dew, a young lady who will remain unnamed sat next to me on the couch. I was young, and the barely audible volume of the old television that still had channel and volume knobs played the opening song from Robert Redford’s classic movie “Out of Africa.” My parents and hers had watched the movie and evidently left us sleeping on the couch in all of our innocence. I don’t know what it was exactly that possessed my arm to find rest on her shoulder, or her head to turn towards mine, but the rest is history. There has never been, and I doubt there will ever be such a memorable kiss, with such outstanding hallmarks.
If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
I have spent a large part of my life learning Spanish with the hope of developing knowledge of a second language that will open the doors to new relationships with all types of people – whether those be made in a business setting or one as casual as a shot of Tequila in Reno. Some of my friends say the same for French, but tend to stay away from tequila and instead embrace a complex and aromatic staple from Bordeaux. Similar to Lewis and Clark traveling laterally across a continent, but something more, I would like nothing more in the world than to get a sponsorship from some stellar company, strap some sweet decals on my Landy, and drive from the northernmost road of Canada all the way to the southernmost point of South America with three friends, a hell of a playlist, and an open mind – speaking Spanish and French along the way, learning more about myself than anything else. Why? Use your imagination.
Any guilty pleasures?
That’s for me to know, and for some of you to find out.
What’s your dream job?
World traveler.
What kind of shampoo do you use?
For a salon experience at home, Tres Semme accompanied by a special Eucalyptus conditioner from a San Francisco connect.
Write a love poem about your roommates…
I choose to grace only those closest to me with my poetry; any poet will tell you that a poem only has strength when the audience is carefully chosen, when the focus is precise and genuine, and when the words come effortlessly as if predestined by some mystical force.
Which boy band would you be in and why?
Hanson.
What’s your spirit animal and why?
An Amur Leopard, which is regarded by scientists as the rarest big cat on Earth. This hundred pound, elusive feline defines conserved beauty, maintaining the threat of being a deadly hunter beneath is alluring and perfect coat. Friend to the Siberian tigers residing near Russia’s easternmost borders, this animal, embraced for its scarcity, redefines our notion of what’s out there, and what’s to look for.
How do you think your mom is going to react to this?
She’ll laugh, shed a tear or two out of admiration, and forward it to my two older sisters with the subject heading: “And I thought Dad and I were proud of you two…”
Any stuffed animals?
One, his name is Leo.
Which reality TV show would you be on and why?
Magnum P.I.
If you were president of Colby, what’s the first thing you would change or add?
I’d get the amphitheater up and running once and for all – there are only a handful of days and nights at Colby when this priceless venue could be utilized, it seems to me that one of them could cater to a Loudness celebration with live music, quality beer, and memories that last a lifetime.