A Pushover’s Guide to Getting Through College

I’ve been considered a pushover for I don’t know how long. I’ve always been easily swayed by people’s opinions. I would constantly match up to others’ standards, let people have the upper hand, and take my power away from me when all I did was try to be kind and considerate. I wanted everyone to like me, and so I did what I could to get approval from others because that was essentially what made me feel safe. This dependence on other people, however, often made me forget who I was, and more importantly, what I thought of myself. The trust I had in myself was still too weak and fragile. Because of this mentality, something that might be considered an off-handed comment would impact me severely. It would either make me feel like the most loved person in the world, or completely shatter my confidence and make me brood over all of my flaws throughout the day.

In the end, though, we’re all human beings struggling to figure out what to make of our complex relationships and social interactions. You might even be reading this because you’ve felt like a pushover at least once in your life. Or, you might be grappling with it right now! As a pushover myself, I know I’m not exactly the first person you’d go to for advice. But honestly, who would know more about pushovers than an experienced one herself? 

• Say no! Not all the time, of course, but whether you are turning down someone’s small request, a college social college event, a party, or a club position, you shouldn’t waste your valuable time, energy, and/or money doing something purely for the sake of pleasing others. See, closing yourself off completely may turn you into an outcast, but healthy boundaries can set you free. So set your priorities straight; it might even be helpful to physically or mentally list them out. Decide what you don’t really care about, what’s causing you unnecessary anxiety and pressure. Cross them off your list, and don’t look back! You do not have to feel obligated to say no, neither should you feel guilty about it. Life is too short to make yourself spend the time you don’t have with people you don’t like, doing things you don’t like to do. In turn, you will assuredly feel less busy and less burdened. 
• Be bold and express yourself. You’re sitting in a seminar, and people are sharing their ideas. You have your own thoughts and opinions on the subject, and you feel the urge to speak. You feel like you should be giving an “intellectual” response, an innovative idea, a novel comment, but you don’t even have a complete idea formed in your head. You think you’ll stumble over your words, that others have better ideas worth hearing, that they’ve already said what you were going to say. You become paranoid. All valid. BUT, you must know that you are bound to make mistakes, and those slip-ups are not worth holding you back from missing the opportunity to express what you think and feel. Abandon the need to impress anyone. You just deserve to be heard. No one else can free those interesting thoughts you have bottled up inside you! Even outside of the classroom, do you have a space on or off campus to truly express the different sides of you? It’s always healthy to find — if not start — something that you feel comfortable and confident in doing, whether it’s a hobby or a passion you want to pursue. Naturally, you’ll feel more bold and proud of who you are as a person. We all need an outlet to pour out the passion, skills, knowledge, and creativity we as unique individuals have gained over time. Don’t let your talents go to waste!
• Acknowledge that everyone is struggling. We make such an effort to look perfect on the outside. Truth is, we’re all going through something, big or small. We’re all thinking about the things we’re lacking in and comparing ourselves to others. If you’re experiencing impostor syndrome, it’s totally okay. I think we’d all agree that it’s normal, not just in the beginning of college but at any stage of your life. Once you acknowledge that we all have insecurities and a sense of brokenness inside, the less intimidating and “superior” the people around you will come off as. Don’t let the idea that there will always be someone better than you get to your head. Instead, focus on improving on yourself and shaping yourself into the person YOU want to become.
• Defend the position that you decide to take on. Do you have a certain position in a club, organization, or team that you don’t feel completely confident about? Well, even if you get the feeling that you’re weak or incompetent, don’t resort to giving up right away. There are two options to consider. If you think the position will benefit you, and as long as you are willing enough to overcome your obstacles, you can find ways to get better at certain skills the role asks for. Reach out to people who can answer your questions and give you advice. Ask for what you want, and be clear in your body language, tone, commitment, and eye contact when doing so. Do not let people in other positions abuse their power and take control over you just because you think they’re more experienced or qualified. You have your own responsibility to uphold, and no one should be crossing that boundary. The latter option: If you think the position will be mentally, physically, and emotionally detrimental to a point that you can’t handle, then it’s okay to call it quits. Your wellbeing always comes first!
• Choose the right people to stand by your side. Unfortunately, the world we live in is not that considerate of the soft and tenderhearted people, which I think is quite ironic because we’re taught as children to treat people with kindness, be honest, share with others, and always be the bigger person. And yet, those people are the ones who get taken advantage of. Frankly, it’s wrong of the people who use others’ kindness to benefit themselves, but that’s what we call “survival of the fittest”. No matter how unfair it may feel, not everyone will be there to defend you or make the effort to understand your personality. Therefore, surround yourself with good people who you trust would not mess with your weaknesses, but would rather embrace them and wish you the best. You should always work hard in any relationship, but if you deeply feel that they aren’t worth everything you’ve poured in to continue keeping them in your life, and if you find yourself in a relationship where only one side benefits, there’s no need in holding onto them any longer. Do not let anyone drag you around; you should not be lowering yourself or changing your values just to match up to someone else.
• Learn how to control your emotional expression. It’s okay to be vulnerable and honest about how you’re feeling. Being willing to open up to others is an invaluable quality to have. But there’s always a time and place for everything. You shouldn’t be too transparent that you reveal everything about yourself, especially if you think you are a pushover. As mentioned prior, people will get to see right through you and use that to their advantage. This doesn’t mean you should try to hide who you are or take on a different persona, but rather, be more aware of how you convey your emotions. Does your face show your emotions a little too obviously? Did you get too personal with someone who you don’t know that well? Are you being overly generous and tolerant of this person’s harmful words or behaviors? To do all things in moderation, practice self-control and self-awareness so that you don’t get caught up in another one of those situations that only leaves you emotionally and mentally exhausted.
• Never forget, you always come first. You are the most important person in your life. Pushovers will tend to place a focus on making others happy and lifting them up, forgetting to do the same for themselves. If you do not love and respect yourself, you are not in the position to give it to others. If you have no self-esteem you can’t help but to look small. You know the saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it”? It never truly resonated with me because it’s not easy faking confidence that you don’t seem to have in you. But with just a little bit of optimism, healthy self-reflection, and trust, you can find your confidence. It didn’t go anywhere for good; confidence just tends to run away from time to time, but it will always show up again. So don’t look for confidence in others, but in yourself. Remind yourself of all of who you are, what precious experiences you were built upon, and what you live for each day. Be grateful for all that you have in your life, even the small things that make you smile. If you disregard your whole journey, what will become of everything that you’ve accomplished and gained in your life to get you this far? Compliment yourself, speak for yourself, work for yourself, dress for yourself, strive for your success and your goals.