The ABCs of Formal Season

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never heard of boob tape.

 

Once a year, Columbia brightens up College Walk with Christmas lights and snowflakes, so that people can take really pretty pre-formal pictures with their dates. Whether you’ll be showing pictures of you and your boo to your grandkids one day, or using them to make an extremely accurate Voodoo doll come Monday morning, photographic evidence is a formal must. See, Bollinger really does care.

 

Boys can do many things, like make mix tapes, get very upset about extremely specific beer pong rules, and send you skateboarding videos. One thing they can’t really do, unfortunately, is dance. But, if you brought a boy to your formal, then I guess that’s on you.

 

Make sure to eat before formal. Seriously. Leave the “Spring Break body” fast back in high school, where it belongs. Formals are some real woman stuff, and that means lining your stomach (read as: carbloading) before you hit the dance floor. 

 

If you’re in a sorority, Sorority Law often requires you to fill out a form with you and your date’s identifying info a few weeks before the big event. The formal form is a recent descendent of the Google doc, may it rest in peace, which was a public forum where everyone in the chapter named their dates, aka: the holy grail of all sorority documents. My tabs look a whole lot emptier this year now that the Google formal doc isn’t open on my computer the entire month leading up to formal. Honestly, I’m still in mourning.

 

Formal bathrooms are the nexus for all girl-on-girl crimes in the tri-state area during the month of December. If you think you’re about to go into that bathroom and casually re-apply your lipgloss, think again. If you’re not breaking the seal or having a full-on breakdown, just stick to your selfie camera. 

 

Mr. Leger is the patron saint of sorority formals. Not since 16th century corsets has one garment done so much to create the illusion of a female hourglass. For only thousands of dollars, this unrealistic standard of beauty can be yours. The only downside is if you spill a drink on someone else’s Herve, in which case you might as well start filling out your transfer apps.

 

In this dog eat dog hook up culture, there’s bound to be some overlap by the time formal season rolls around.  Much like wearing the same leggings to every single one of your finals, it’s not technically illegal. Just keep the cardinal rule (chicks before d*cks) close to your heart.

 

Yeah, everyone totally believes you when you say you and your formal date are “just friends”. A friendly DFMO never hurt nobody!

 

So, does KDR have a formal? Because according to The New York Times, Columbia’s basketball team might be going to March Madness this year. Just wondering/asking for a friend!

 

If you’re smart, you’ll ask your party bus to make a pit stop at Lincoln Center for some #fountain #pics. The hypothermia will go away eventually (probably), but a Facebook album is forever.

 

Odds are, any formal you attend will be at a club in the Meatpacking District. The Meatpacking District is awesome because its super far away and expensive to get to, all the clubs have stupid names like “Lithe” and “Smash”, and the cobblestones assure that you will fall dead on your face a minimum of five times before you even enter the venue. 

 

While the CU motto is unofficially “No New Friends” (or something like that, but in Latin) formal is the perfect time for forming long lasting bonds, whether you’re stuck on a boat with a bunch of strangers or in the bathroom crying with a bunch of your new besties.

 

The open bar is the unicorn of formal season. Consider yourself #blessed if your formal has one.

 

When I was just an innocent freshman, I was confident that I had had “fun” before. Then, I went on a formal party bus. This moving vehicle has it all: a bunch of awkward dudes in suits, wall to wall carpeting, an aux cord, and tons of leg room. It is, hands down, my favorite way to circle the island of Manhattan three times over the course of two hours.

 

It’s the morning after formal, you have about 100 questions, a broken pair of heels, three blurry selfies and a fifty dollar Uber receipt. Cheers! 

 

Watching very smart kids doing very stupid things is one of the biggest perks of formal season. God invented F(ake)instagram for a reason. 

 

Stalking your potential formal dates is the seedy underbelly of formal culture, and we need to talk about it. If stalking a date is wrong, then why does Columbia make it so damn easy to look up someone’s age, address, and mailbox number?

 

See: ASOS.

 

Formals are, in my opinion, highly underrated. Attend any formal with the mindset that you’re about to have the best night of your life, and you just might. Or you’ll end up sobbing in the bathroom, in which case I will comfort you, lend you waterproof mascara, and also kindly remind you not to hold up the line.

 

Getting your hair blown out before a big night is a rite of passage. If you don’t get a free glass of wine when you walk into the salon and leave looking like an Afghan hound, you’re doing something wrong.

 

Isn’t it, you guys? Now, someone hand me that aux cord. 

 

Sorry, I’m a sorority girl, not a rocket scientist. 

 

Make conversation with our blind dates? Find mozzarella sticks in the meatpacking district at four in the morning? Dance for five hours in Forever 21 knockoff Louboutins? Not flash anybody getting in and out of the Uber? With a can do attitude, women really can have it all.

 

In case you don’t want to lose your credit card, debit card, keys, ID, school ID, and dignity this year, consider investing in a bag that has zippers.

 

 

 

**This is a personal piece and does not reflect the views of Her Campus Media.**