Usually, backlash is reserved for something that’s already happened. Still, it’s safe to say that Bacchanal backlash (and backlash to the Bacchanal backlash!) is already well under way. It’s not surprising when you consider that we go to a school where talking back to professors is generally considered a good thing, protestors and pedestrians take up equal amounts of space on college walk, and SEAS students actually managed to argue their way out of taking the swim test. We’re a consistently unsatisfied bunch, and Saturday’s upcoming Bacchanal performance promises to be no exception. If there’s one thing CU students like more than complaining, its bonding over their myriad complaints. So, without further ado, here’s a handful of things you could choose to be mad about (or, alternatively, some conducive conversation topics for 1020). Some complaints, like some of the artists performing at Bacchanal, might be unfamiliar to you, while others are #throwbacchanal classics. So, break out your Stressbusters stress ball, try on that overpriced Columbia apparel (pro-tip: CU logo baby tees make very cost effective crop tops), raise your “water bottles” in the air, and let’s give a toast to all past, present, and future whines.
The Weather:
“Partly Cloudy Skies”, a persistent winter chill, and a slight chance of precipitation. So, you’re telling me I CAN’T rock my highwaisted jean shorts and suedette crop top, @weather.com?!
The Artists:
Hoping for a great Bacchanal artist is like trying to buy Yeezys: don’t bother, it’s not going to happen, and Kanye’s NEVER COMING BACK. Despite all our prayers to Make Bacchanal Great Again, at a certain point we have to come to terms with the fact that our fearless dictator Lee Bollinger is never going to sell his Audi and get Beyonce for Bacchanal, no matter how many students are “interested” in that Facebook event. After months of radio silence, it looked like there might never be an artist announcement this year. When, in the weeks before the show, we were finally told that Rae Sremmurd, Marian Hill, and Bibi Bourelly would be sharing the stage (RIP Lukas Graham and, more tragically, the inevitable Lukas Graham bashing), everyone was like, “okay.” Fetty Wap would’ve been cool, but who are we kidding—we’re no Brown. At the end of the day, these artists are pretty mediocre; and if there’s one thing CU kids hate, it’s mediocrity (closely followed by capitalism, neocolonialism, patriarchy, and the fact that Ham Del closes early on Sundays).
The Security Pens:
Bacchanal is all about chasing your friends all over the CU lawns and locking eyes with hot strangers across a (hopefully unoccupied) fountain. Now imagine those good time vibes, except you are trapped in a series of six pens. You may be alone in your pen. You cannot leave your pen at any time in the foreseeable future. You must start a new life for yourself in your pen. This was the original dystopian Bacchanal vision of Columbia’s Public Safety officials. Eventually, the Bacchanal Committee managed to talk them down to four pens; with two front sections containing 1,200 concert-goers in total, and the remaining 2,400 undergraduates spread out over the back two sections. While we are all very appreciative of the offer of two fewer pens—thank you, magnanimous leaders—four pens still sort of begs the question of “why must we be sectioned off into pens in the first place?” This question is not rhetorical.
The Ticket System:
A lot of things at Columbia get compared to The Hunger Games. In fact, no one has been able to convince me that the Columbia Housing Selection Process wasn’t Suzanne Collins’ primary inspiration. But, when it comes to sheer unnecessary struggle, competition, and strife, this year’s Bacchanal ticket system was downright Darwinian. With 4,000 available undergraduate tickets doled out for “purchase” over a series of arbitrary times (In four years I haven’t woken up at 8 for a class…you think I’d start now for a Rae Sremmurd ticket?), combined with CU students’ nasty procrastination habits, people were truly freaking out. Luckily, unlike last year, tickets were free—great for students, unfortunate for “I want my money bacch” puns.
The Ticket Line:
Rumor has it the 9:00 AM line to trade your tickets in for wristbands has an ETA of around an hour. That’s one hour less of sleep, bagels, pregaming, or planning your outfit (whatever floats your boat, we don’t judge!)