 If you find yourself stopping to chat with those annoying Greenpeace people, giving money to the homeless man outside Morton Williams, and feeling generally gleeful during your CC midterm this week, you’re not crazy, you’ve just got Homecoming fever
. (Also you might be a little crazy. Have you left Butler in the past 72 hours? Is that like your 7th coffee of the day?) For those who don’t know, Columbia’s homecoming football game—a school event rivaled in greatness only by Bachannal—is this Saturday. If you don’t care, I assume you are a naive freshman, or one of those people who reads their Orgo textbook for fun. In preparation for what is probably the only fun thing you’ll allow yourself to do between midterms and finals, I’ve considered some Homecoming dos and don’ts. This may be a refresher for the seasoned attendees, or an intro course for the rookies. But why learn the hard way that it’s not a good idea to drunkenly punch a public safety officer, when someone I know figured that out for you already?
DO NOT go out on Friday night,
unless you are a consistent comeback champ or you strictly abide by Rebecca Black’s principle. For some, “hangover” is a mythical word that has meaning only after 21st birthdays/Formals/Vegas. For others, it only takes two shots of tequila to have you throwing up in your purse the next morning. Know your drinking abilities, and when in doubt, don’t go out (advice that I will never say about any other night.)
DO hydrate—the night before, and the day of. It’s a marathon, not a sprint…sometimes it’s a sprinting marathon, depending on your skill level.
DO NOT sleep in. The game starts at 1:30pm. If you’re doing it right, I suggest that you be awake and consuming your poison of choice by no later than 10:30am—mimosas, beer, coffee, RedBull, tequila shots (alright, relax, Ke$ha).
DO breakfast. Eat something, anything. You’ll save CAVA a trip to the Baker.
DO NOT forget to go to buy alcohol the night before,
or immediately when International opens on Saturday. Every year on Homecoming, International runs out of J.Roget by noon, and to achieve the most economical drunkenness, you need those $5 bottles. International opens at 10am—don’t miss the boat…if you’re 21, of course. If you’re underage, drinking is illegal, but Westside sells Capri Suns.
DO NOT throw up at the pre-game. If/when you find yourself standing on top of the bar at Beta double fisting champagne bottles before 11am, pause. Do you need that fifth shot? Ok fine, you did it, but maybe skip the sixth one. Pace yourself, you’ve still got a football game to pretend you understand.
DO NOT act too cool for school spirit. Haven’t you always secretly wondered what it’d be like to go to a school like Ole Miss? Well too bad because you’re not going to experience anything like that, but we can still give it our best shot! Embrace your latent frat-star, paint your face, and ride the fan buses (it’s the only time those buses get any real use). Alcohol inevitably gives everyone a false sense of camaraderie, and a shared misconception that we all know the words to the CU fight song.
 DO plan some Dartmouth insults ahead of time. This is your chance to take out your midterms stress on strangers! Don’t waste it! It’s a proven fact that the cleverness of your insults is inversely proportionate to the aggressiveness of your pre-game.
DO NOT take the aforementioned aggression too far. You may start to get a little rowdy, fueled by a sudden investment in the fate of our Lions/also by the bowl of wine that you decided was a perfect chaser for whiskey shots. If Public Safety tries to contain your shenanigans, it’s not advisable to punch the officer in the face and/or provoke him with a series of slurred insults. However, if such an incident does occur, you will probably win the Best Homecoming Story game, and potentially end up with a disciplinary hearing. YOLO.
DO walk into the stadium. It can be challenging to part with all of the food at the tailgate, but it’s admirable to at least see the scoreboard for yourself at the end of the game, just so you don’t drunkenly congratulate the team on their big W that was actually a 0-40 loss.
DO NOT rush the field trying to hug Roar-ee the Lion.
I know, he looks so cuddly, but try to restrain yourself until he’s off the field, otherwise the athletics staff/ SECURITY will restrain you.
DO nap and rally. After the game, some people need to call it quits. That’s ok! You survived! There’s no shame in passing out before 6pm. That being said, no guts, no glory. If possible, regroup for the post-game and celebrate with the players, who, if they win, will be interested in drinking their faces off, and, if they lose, will also be interested in drinking their faces off.
When the Columbia community comes together in an environment that’s not a library, it’s enough to move you to tears (ok, maybe that’s just me). So this Saturday, lose the books, and the sobriety…or not. It’s totally up to you. I hear RedBulls can also give you a crazy buzz. Either way, this weekend offers a rare opportunity to see Columbia in a different (AKA fun) light, and that’s not something you’ll want to miss. At Homecoming, even when we’re losing, you’re still winning.
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