      There is one day every year when a significant number of Columbia students will attend, possibly cheer for, and maybe even CARE about the result of an athletics event. On this magical day, if you close your eyes and multiply the size of the tailgate crowd by about ten, you can actually pretend that you go to a Big 10/state school where being invested in football is cool and not just the result of dating one of the players. Ladies and gentleman, it’s Homecoming. Now if you read all of that and thought to yourself “Ew, that’s everything I wanted to avoid by going to school in the city” then please skip Homecoming, you fun-sucker (just kidding! Everyone is totally entitled to her own opinion!) If you’re a freshman, a first-timer, or if your Homecoming memories from last year go blank at 10am after your third bottle of champagne, here’s some of what you can expect.
           Pre-game (pun intended for once): Columbia will be playing Penn, whose mascot is the Quaker. Start brainstorming now because I promise you, the cleverness of your insults is inversely proportional to the amount of alcohol you consume. The game starts at 3:30pm, so you start at 9am (if you’re a champion). You’ve painted your face and assaulted your liver with a satisfactory number of shots, mimosas, beers, shots in mimosas mixed with beers, coffees for the sober crew, whatever your poison beverage of choice may be, head to the Columbia gates to ride the fan buses! (Homecoming is the most action those buses are going to get all year, so make use of them.) On the bus you will experience an alcohol-induced sense of camaraderie and school pride with other students who may not even have realized Columbia had a football team until this day. Cherish it. Someone belligerent may start singing “Roar lion, roar”, which will fizzle out once he/she remembers that no one at Columbia actually knows that song.
           Tailgate: Upon reaching the designated tailgate area, you will see Columbia at its frattiest. Embrace it. Homecoming brings students together for the love of the game and because it becomes socially acceptable to enjoy athletics. The tailgate will also put you in the presence of Columbia alumnae. At first, you might feel awkward and try to avoid them. Eventually, you’ll realize that most of them are barbecuing and OMG you’ve literally never been so hungry in your entire life…the alumnae are generally pretty awesome and surprisingly cool with you accidentally spilling your bowl of wine (yes, bowl. Get crafty when they run out of cups) on their table. I’m sure they were young once or something.
           Game?: Aim high—attempt to enter the stadium for at least 10 minutes. Try not to leave at halftime because you saw the players leaving the field and assumed the game was over. This may contribute to some confusion later when you’re congratulating the team on their win and they actually lost (well, they were winning at halftime…). Unleash your inner Ohio State student. Don’t be embarrassed to get passionately invested in the game even if you don’t know the rules (awesome first down guys! Thank God I saw the Blind Side!). Yell aggressive things at the token annoying Penn fans in the stadium. Hopefully the physical damage will be minimal (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9I_WyzlGEO8&feature=related). Winning the game would be awesome, but just in case, most Columbia fans adopt the mindset of hope for the best, drink for the worst. Whatever, at the end of the day Penn is going back to Pennsylvania and they’re still Quakers.
           Homecoming kind of turns into a go big, then go home event. Trust me, by 5pm you will be only a fraction of the enthusiastic, school-spirited, shot-pounding ball of energy that you were at 10am. Regroup and assess your situation. If Round 2: The Post-Game is going to break Resolution #7 (http://www.hercampus.com/school/barnard/10-resolutions-better-year), you are weak it’s not worth it. If you decide to rally, some combination of napping, hydrating, and eating real food is required. Washing off your face paint before going out is not required. Hey, might as well go big because after October 15 Columbia students start thinking it’s embarrassing to care about athletics again. You don’t want to miss out. It’s going to be a game of proportions very similar to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbdXgAWuU_E&feature=related. So get psyched.