Welcome to Columbia’s most easily forgotten cross-campus celebration: Homecoming. Like awkward dorm party banter or Fro Sci, Homecoming is a time to summon a modicum of enthusiasm for something you know little to nothing about. Sports, man. Here are some tips for making the most out of CU football’s big game–think school spirit for dummies.
Strong sportz looks:
If there’s one thing I know about Homecoming, it’s that you can buy a Columbia T-Shirt for babies at the bookstore and pass it off as a crop top. If there are two things I know about Homecoming, it’s that you need to be very careful with where/how you place your temporary tattoos. No one cares how early you woke up to pre-game–pulling a Karen Smith in the mirror is still, like, social suicide.
Instagram:
If you didn’t take go-pro footage at Homecoming, then spend the rest of the day meticulously editing your go-pro footage against a deep house beat in order to serve up the most appealing Instagram video possible, then did you even go to homecoming? Put that film concentration to work, girl.
Pre-Games:
The classic CU Homecoming pre-game combines a bunch of things that I could honestly take or leave: an early morning alarm, juice, carbs, preppy boys, and a series of Instagram photoshoots so extensive, you’ll leave that frat courtyard with a newfound respect for the hardworking state school sorority girls who do this on the reg. If our football team can practice and play hard day in and day out, despite an embarrassingly atrocious record and the utter apathy of the entire student body, then you can wake yourself up, haul a** to Nuss, and score a cover photo with a dope boy girl ratio. Go on, make us proud.
The Columbia football photo roster:
This color photo catalogue is your last defense against horrible, relentless, unmitigated boredom. Cat calling makes football games so much more fun, and cat calling with first and last names is a great way to bring your game to the next level. You might not know that Sophomore kicker’s stats, but you know his name, hometown, and weight (why, Columbia?). Just sit back, relax, and let Facebook graph search–and your passion for the CU athletics program–do the rest. You’ll be amazed by how quickly half-time rolls around.
CU football merch:
I personally dare someone to buy one of those “worn on the field” football jerseys that Columbia inexplicably sells outside the stadium, throw on that dirty, unwashed hunk o’ mesh, belt it up, and wear it as a chic dress/terrifying homage to whichever player’s B.O.-laden hand-me-downs you’ve chosen to boldly sport. It’ll either be a really great story to tell your grandkids one day, or a really embarrassing way to get blacklisted from Sig Chi forever.
Buddy system:
Seriously guys, use a buddy system. That early morning shower beer is going to feel like a way worse idea when you’re at 218th street desperately looking for a friend, a shuttle, or just a few mozzarella sticks to call your own. Manhattan is a cruel place outside of the Columbia bubble–once at Koronet’s I successfully “returned” a half-eaten pizza for a new, full pizza. That’s the type of stunt you just can’t pull in the vicinity of the Baker Athletics complex. Pairing up with a homecoming accomplice early on insures that everyone will get home safe and sound and chock full of amazing memories (or at least someone to remind you of what your memories should be).
If you want to be adorable and understand what’s happening on the field:
I can’t really help you with that, but you can follow @CUSpecSports if you want a live feed of what’s actually going on in the game. #PrintMediaIsDead, y’all.
Oh, and did we mention that you can get two free beers at any CU football game with your ticket, CU cred, and over 21 ID, courtesy of the Mel’s Burger Bar Pre-game Picnic Area? TFW Mel’s truly puts the team on its back.