The Holidays…We Will Survive

Congrats everyone! You made it through phase one of holiday time: Thanksgiving.  You now have a three-week long hiatus until winter break and Christma-hanukk-kwanza where you will need to improve upon and fix all the things about you (or at least pretend to) that your grandmother and awkward cousins pointed out were imperfect.  Here’s how.

1.     Your weight.  Whether someone in your family commented on how you’ve “certainly taken advantage of those dining halls” (thanks for nothing, Hewitt brownies) since arriving at school or whether they told you to “go eat a sandwich”, don’t feel bad.  These days everyone is either too fat or too thin, and nobody seems to be able to achieve that magical balance in the middle (which I’m actually convinced does not exist).  Solution: During the next family get together, make sure to munch only on celery or to constantly have 5 cookies in your hand.  Or both. Whichever you feel most applies.

2.     Your nails.  I’m pretty sure everyone else who had class until 7pm on Wednesday found their nails in the same predicament as mine.  Having rushed out the door to catch the last train to suburbia (unless you were headed to Long Island and learned upon your arrival to Penn Station that the last working train had actually left 3 hours prior) after three days of trying to catch up from all my work from the weekend (when I was too drunk to do it) and trying to get ahead on all my work due after the holiday weekend (when I simply refused to do it), I obviously did not find time in there for a mani-pedi.  This is something my grandma was eager to point out in front of all our Thanksgiving guests.  Solution: Already booked my appointment at Carnegie for right after my last final in preparation for holidays round two. 

3.     Your relationship status.  “Oh…you’re still single? It’s okay…I guess you’re still young.” Oh god. The only possible solution is to return home after finals with a boyfriend. It doesn’t matter if he is a highly paid actor or someone you actually are acquainted with. Just make sure he can play the part.  So I guess the actor is the way to go.

Conversely, if you have a significant other the criticism you might have heard is “Oh…you’re still seeing him?” Solution: put him in a really great outfit for the next family get together and ensure that he says nothing at the dinner table, only smiles and nods.

4.     Your career. I decided not to count how many times family members asked me what I wanted to do with my life and how skeptical their faces were when I told them I didn’t know, but I do write for this awesome website called Her Campus! (“What’s a website?” asks my grandmother…sigh). Solution: just tell whoever asks you about your future that you want to go into whatever field they work in.  At least they’ll just start talking about themselves and stop asking you about the most stressful part of your life.

5.     Your high school friends.  Thanksgiving is always a great time to reunite with the old crew, but whereas you see your friends evolve into better versions of themselves during college, your parents just remember them as the drunk fools who trashed your house that weekend they left you alone (#highschoolproblems).  “Oh, you’re going to go waste your time with them when you could be spending time with your family?” Hell to the yes. And it will be even more crucial to spend time with them over winter break when you have three entire weeks to spend at home instead of just three days. Solution: bring your high school friends to your house to show your parents what wonderful and responsible young adults they have become since the days when you still needed designated drivers.  Or hire actors. Or just bring over that one friend that is accurately portrayed by the description above. We all have at least one.

6.     Your ex-boyfriend.  When your family catches glimpses of your high school friends they will inevitably be reminded of your “wonderful, successful, handsome, polite” ex-boyfriend and ask you what you did wrong to lose such a great guy.  Since you can’t explain to them that he was actually a total loser and you can’t be bothered to be tied down because you’re busy hooking up with tons of different guys at school, the best thing to do is pretend to go on a coffee date with him (or 2 or 3 depending on how much they nag).  A little gossip can occupy real adults for a while and hopefully they’ll be satisfied by the possibility of the two of you getting back together.

7.     Your work ethic.  Home is a place where you watch TV, sleep for twice as long as you normally do, and don’t get any work done.  Since this behavior obviously evokes disapproval from the fam, every couple of days consider engaging in this practice at a friend’s house.  At least you’ll be getting a little fresh air and your mom can think you were working out, or having an intellectual conversation.

Good luck making it through! I have faith in you.