If it’s not enough that the day after Christmas all the local drug stores, cafes, and department stores start busting out their obnoxiously pink Valentine’s specials, then all you have to do is remember that you are single or in a long-distance relationship to remember why you hate Valentine’s Day. You are totally fine being a strong, independent, beautiful Barnard woman, conquering the world one feminist at a time, and then Hallmark comes in and tells you that you’re actually supposed to be doing all this with someone else. Specifically, with a nice, cute boy who buys you chocolate and flowers on the regs. So whether you’re single or your boyfriend doesn’t live here, you need to figure out how to spend a holiday built for two alone. Surprisingly, Valentine’s Day can look very similar for single ladies and long distancers.
1. You eat a lot of chocolate.
Duane Reade is stocked beyond capacity with heart-shaped Reese’s cups, Hershey’s bars, M&M’s, and Doritos. If you’re single, it is only fair that you treat yourself to some of the nonsense that men are supposed to be buying for their girlfriends. If you have a faraway boyfriend, you’ll probably be eating this garbage because he sent it to you along with a small stuffed bear that is holding a ruffled heart between his paws (aw or vom?). Even if your boyfriend didn’t send you these goodies in a heart-shaped box, you will inevitably end up eating them because you will buy it for yourself. Regardless, a sugar rush is good for the ailing soul, so soak it in.
2. You spend a lot of time with your girlfriends
There is nothing like company to help soak up the drowning feelings of depression that loneliness inevitably leaves in the pit of your stomach…or something like that. The truth is, that if you go to Barnard, you probably have a great group of friends, at least a few of whom will also be unattached for V-Day, who you can substitute for a boyfriend. Sometimes friends even make better dates than guys. They never judge you when you order that really sweet, totally unsophisticated glass of wine instead of a beer, they don’t feel uncomfortable in Pinkberry, and you can always get into fancy nightclubs together at the end of the night.
3. You go speed dating
So now you’re a few shots deep and your equally drunk girlfriend suggests that you go speed dating, you know, because it’s Valentine’s Day and you need a date. Fast. If you’re single, you should be totally down because at the very worst you meet someone more pathetic than yourself and feel better. Or at the very best, you meet someone and actually go on a date (don’t judge, people, even people who met online are getting married these days). Win win. If you’re in a long distance relationship, he shoulda come to see you. Come on, what normal college student can’t just take a random Tuesday right in the middle of the semester amidst midterm tests and papers to go visit his girlfriend?
4. You spend an inordinate amount of time at frat houses
If you aren’t prepping for a V-Day date, you’ll probably be hanging at one of your friends frats. If you stay in your dorm you will inevitably be confronted with lots of girls straightening and curling (then straightening again) their hair and trying on countless outfits in preparation for a night of Valentine loving and watching The Notebook and The Holiday. Vom. You do not need to be reminded any more that you don’t have a date or a boyfriend. Therefore you escape to the one kind of place where Valentine’s Day spirit cannot survive: a frat house. The excessive level of testosterone, mixed with inability to remember romantic dates (anniversaries also die in a frat house environment) and lack of concern for anything in February that is not the Super Bowl, cause Valentine’s Day to be a forgotten phenomenon of the past. Plus, surrounding yourself with guy friends makes you feel like you could date one of them. If you felt like it. Which you don’t. Because you’re single/in a long-distance relationship BY CHOICE. GOSH.
5. You eat more chocolate.
The day after V-Day all that pink, heart-shaped candy goes on sale. Cha-ching! Sugar rush part deux is the best way to nurse a hangover, depression, and to get back at Hallmark for manufacturing this whole holiday in the first place.
So remember ladies, don’t let your happiness be dictated by the overwhelming pink-ness of the nearby drug stores. We’re stronger, bolder, and more beautiful than that.