It’s seven o’clock on a Thursday night, and you and your friends are clustered around your bed trying to decide what you’re going to do.
It’s been a long, brutal week (actually it’s been four days of classes, but who’s counting?) and all you want is to blast the new Tswift dubstep track and figure out if Vine delivers. But your friends have other plans. They know you haven’t gotten some cute Columbia man booty in a few weeks and they themselves could use some excitement tonight too. The mission commences. Suddenly, you look over and see all of them texting at potentially hazardous speeds. They’re hitting up their guy friends, their sorta guy friends, and that-guy-they-met-at-that-thing, all to try to figure out what’s going on tonight on campus. One of them swears that the only way to meet someone is at a Hillel dinner—and you can’t say you’re not tempted by the prospect of nice Jewish guys and free carbs. Your roommate wants to go to a wrestling party in Carman- she swears the wrestlers are hot, but you are unconvinced. As your friends continue to suggest different events and potential dudes, you can’t help feeling like you’ve already met every type of guy on campus, and you’re not impressed…
The Athlete:
Significantly more attractive than any other guy on campus…but he knows it.
Might end up surprising you with his genuine academic and creative interests. But perhaps the extremely deep conversations about life and the universe can be saved for someone else.
You know you he’ll always be down to pass out and watch an episode of Entourage. He thinks he’s a Vince, but he’s really more of a Turtle.
His typical night probably starts in his friend’s room, pregaming with “the team.” If you love Keystone and inside jokes, you’re in luck! On the upside, if you’re craving attention, being well-endowed in the chest and rear-end is a foolproof recipe. Take advantage of all the eager man meat and convince your new friends to pose for the camera—the heavyweight crew team’s muscles will look great on Facebook.
Next stop- a frat party. If he tries to tell you that EC really isn’t that far away, and it’ll totally be worth it, be forewarned: it is, and it may or may not be. Insist on frat row for that genuine collegiate “yay all my friends are here and I think that kid doing the gerbil shot is in my discussion section and why are my shoes so sticky” experience. As for the rest of the night, that’s up to you—just don’t let a less than stellar off –the-field performance by a Columbia athlete put a damper on your school pride come game day.
The Hipster:
The Columbia Hipster can be seen NOT doing that thing that everybody else is doing, shopping at American Apparel, feeling ashamed/guilty about shopping at American Apparel, “maybe” attending Brooklyn warehouse parties on Facebook, smoking outside of Butler, vehemently insisting that they’re not hipsters. He spends his time at 1020 or at his hipster friend’s off-campus apartment.
Favorite Pick Up lines:
“You might have heard of my radio show? It’s on at 3:30 to 4:30? WBAR.”
“Would you mind if I painted you? I’ve been very inspired by Frida Kahlo’s work of late…but it’s so hard to find open-minded models.”
“We’re sort of like the next Vampire Weekend….if Vampire Weekend didn’t suck.”
“Is that a Leica M6 #2184725 in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?”
“Do you wanna come back to my room? I have a ton of weed.”
Ultimately Un-dateable because:
He looks way better in desert boots and a knit beanie than you ever will.
The Theater Kid:
You met in auditions and had an instant connection. He has the most beautiful voice in the entire world, and sparks fly when you’re dancing partners in rehearsal. He’s sensitive, actually listens when you speak, and always knows when you need a hug or two packets of sugar in your coffee. And you have so much in common! You both love Vampire Diaries, especially the Elena and Damon make out scenes (Stefan’s so needy! She needs to move on). You’ve both spent hours in front of the mirror perfecting your smize’s, and you both secretly think you’re the next Lady Gaga-meets-Nicki Minaj. He looks damn good in a leotard, and you total get why he identifies with Justin Walker, the hot gay guy from Clueless. Because they both love vintage fashion and classic art…right?
But Someone Had to Tell You….
“He’s gay. Move on.”
Exasperated, you decide to go out with your girl friends and have an amazing, guy-free night. Because who knows, tomorrow you might end up standing behind the man of your dreams in the printer line at Butler. He’ll buy you a coffee and sheepishly admit that he pulled an all-nighter last night; in between volunteering at the pet shelter and rigorous a capella practices, it’s just so hard to get work done. Even though he has to run to his weekly Skype date with his mom, he’ll give you his number and invite you to a party he and his Swedish model roommates (he swears he’s the most unattractive guy in their loft) are throwing on their roof tonight. You know that this whole fantasy is a little far-fetched…but you’re not willing to give up your hopes for the perfect guy just yet.