The Modern Diaries of Barnard’s Famous

So, this might be a tad indulgent, but I’m writing on a Sunday which is always full of guilty pleasures that perhaps you shouldn’t indulge in. For instance, that sushi lunch you make time for to talk about your weekend with friends when you know you should be busy doing all that reading you’ve been ignoring.

In that spirit, let’s reflect on the many voices and names of women who once graced the halls of Barnard. In times of extreme and dire distress, you can remember that these highly influential women made it through and you can too. Let’s also examine some of the more mundane aspects of Barnard life and daydream about a world in which you walk down the frozen food aisle at Westside and Lauren Graham turns to you to ask whether you think she should get Rocky Road or Moose Tracks ice cream.

*Disclaimer: I will often be forced to associate these fabulous women with their famous books and/or characters and do not feel badly about it (Lauren Graham will always be Lorelai Gilmore, sorry not sorry!)

1. Zora Neale Hurston (Graduated 1928)

She’s what I like to call an OH, a term I believe will be up-and-coming to refer to “Original Hipster.” She’s too cool to participate in any clubs on campus. She may bounce around going to a CUSH meeting here and sometimes the WBAR annual picnic. She occasionally goes to class, when she’s in the mood. But, to Hurston, it’s not about the $$$, she just wants to make the world danceeee, forget about the price tagggg. 

What’s in her Westside shopping cart: Um, nothing. Westside is for the bourgeois. 

Dorm: It’s all about the bare, but nice minimums. A shag carpet, yellow bedspread, brown and yellow curtains and a pile of notebooks she’s always scribbling in. 

Moment of deviance: She once dated a really rich guy from St. A’s…but it didn’t last long. 

Weekend retreat: Every Saturday she picks a different place to walk around in New York. Sometimes it’s Harlem, sometimes Brooklyn…wherever the wind takes her.  

Favorite hangout spot: She always has a new one but can often be found at the Cotton Club (usually back stage or hanging out with the people who work there). 

Favorite song of her respective era at Barnard: In true OH style, something we haven’t heard of. She had to one-up everyone because of her connections with artists at the cotton club. (Example: Ain’t Got Nobody by Bessie Smith). 

What she leaves Barnard: The ability to be at Barnard and be immersed in Harlem culture. 

2. Joan Rivers (Graduated 1954)

In the words of Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias, “If you don’t have something nice to say, come sit by me.” Joan lives by this motto. She was one of those girls who was in all the drama clubs (Control Top, Chowdah, you name it), had all the gay best friends a girl could want and loved vintage shopping. She will make fun of you without a second thought but will always do it to your face, so that’s nice I guess. 

What’s in her Westside shopping cart: Brisket and Krazy Glue. 

Dorm: It’s all about the glitz and glam: full-length mirror she brought herself, huge throw pillows and plush carpets on the floor. Her extensive collection of costume jewelry and furs is famous. 

Moment of deviance: She once went to a frat party and tried to fit in. But someone stole her fake fur from the coat pile and she flipped out. 

Ritual: Every Sunday she goes thrifting downtown to add to her collections.   

Guilty pleasure hangout: Suite on a Tuesday – it’s Karaoke night! 

Favorite song of her respective era at Barnard: Big Joe Turner’s “Shake Rattle and Roll”. 

What she leaves Barnard: The ability to not take ourselves too seriously. 

3. Martha Stewart (Graduated 1964)

This is the girl who got off the meal plan after it stopped being mandatory. The girl who knits sometimes in class and brings scones on the last day because she “was just in the mood to bake them.” We all know (and secretly envy) the girls who can make all their own meals without burning something at least once a week (or day). 

What’s in her Westside shopping cart: Too many things to list but, since it’s fall, at least 10 cans of pumpkin so she can get crafty with all the pumpkin treats. 

Dorm: This is the girl who has everything: throw pillows, a carpet, a dust ruffle, matching sheets and curtains. Always baked goods around somewhere for people to scarf up and, of course, her room is always completely clean with no clothes or books out of place. 

Moment of deviance: She once stopped cleaning her suite for two whole weeks because she got tired of cleaning up after all her friends. She eventually gave in because she couldn’t live with so many dishes in the sink. 

Ritual:  Every Saturday she tries a new recipe. 

Spot: Riverside park for long scenic strolls. Now is a perfect time to collect beautiful fall leaves! 

Kitchen sing-a-long: Dusty Springfield’s “Wishin’ and Hopin'”

What she leaves Barnard: The ability to ACTUALLY keep your suite clean. 

4. Cynthia Nixon (Graduated 1988)

We’re talking ultimate pragmatic Barnard girl here, the type that makes an excel sheet of what classes she needs to take and when she will take them. But she’s not the kind you avoid in the halls, she doesn’t ask you if you finished the last econ problem set, rather, she’s who you go to when you need a little practical advice or some help organizing, not a shoulder to cry on or a closet to raid. (Picture from InStyle archives)

What’s in her Westside shopping cart: Coffee, plain yogurt, Gatorade

Dorm: Decorated in a practical but polished way. Mostly grays and blacks with a few pops of red like a carpet or a bed spread. Books are spread out on the bed and weights in the corner next to her running shoes show that she’s not just smart but also in great shape (NYC marathon here we come). She always has fresh coffee brewing in her personal coffee maker. 

Rebellious moment: She once flashed a guy at homecoming, but he didn’t remember her name the next year so she decided it wasn’t the right tactic to take when chasing the opposite sex.  

Routine:  She gets up every morning and drinks her own coffee in her blue BARNARD COLLEGE mug. 

Preferred café: Joe’s, without a doubt. Real (non-undergrad) people study there. She enjoys their salted chocolate chip cookies and tries as hard as possible not to run into any of her exes. 

Song: Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” (even though she’s a tough girl, break-ups hit her hard)

What she leaves Barnard: The ability to never get too caught up in college life (She was in 2 hit Broadway plays SIMULTANEOUSLY, during her freshman year at Barnard). 

5. Lauren Graham (Graduated 1988)

(Ok, hold the phone, she and Cynthia Nixon were at Barnard at the same time…actually dying). 

Lorelai is the classicly cool-without-trying girl. She is always there to talk, always there to buy junk food with you and always ready for some cheap shopping. She is fast-talking and witty (and sometimes borderline offensive). She also has handy skills hidden away like a talent for horse back riding (for real) and sewing. 

What’s in her Westside shopping cart: Ice cream, cookies, candy. 

Dorm style: Cozy but very messy. Piles of jeans, sweaters and boots abound. She has endless snacks pilled on her desk but she also has a bunch of cozy places to sit and talk, along with her own TV and a bookshelf full of movies. 

Moment of deviance: She once went to a Columbia Republicans club meeting and tried to keep a straight face the whole time. 

Mode of relaxation:  She eats an ice cream sundae while watching old movies every Friday after her Bio lab to congratulate herself on a week well done. 

Hangout: You’ll find her at late night in Hewitt almost every night. 

What she likes to sing into her hairbrush: The Bangles: Manic Monday and Walk Like and Egyptian 

Leaves Barnard: The ability to always eat like a Freshman and never gain the freshman 15 (or 20 or 30). 

**Just remember, “well-behaved women………seldom make history.”**