When I originally made the decision to celibate, my only motive was a religious one. I had gone years praising all the books in the bible, but always giving a light side-eye to purity verses. They don’t apply to me! I always told myself to reassure me that none of my actions were considered sins. Without entering into a legalistic analysis of Christianity, eventually you wake up and decide to live deeply rooted in your faith. Not to condemn everyone who has not made a vow, even Christians, because I know it is not a simple one and it is not shameful to not make it. However, in June 2016, I knew it was my time to take that step.
For transparency purposes, I will not deny that I was quite active before making the decision. I lost my virginity at sixteen with my high-school boyfriend—and at the time, I believed I would save myself for marriage. When it happened, I completely lost touch with sex and what it is meant to make you feel. It became this act of “giving” in order to keep a relationship secure. I gave my body away to anyone who would call me late at night and give me giggly butterflies before I went to bed. Hell, I gave it to people who barely had my number saved up. All in all, I had sex—not for my own pleasure—but as a mean to obtain stability. For a few guys, sex is a commodity that comes with the relationship. I never questioned; I thought I had to play by the rules.
My last relationship was three years ago with a guy I swore would become my husband one day. We were CEGEP sweethearts, we went to the same high school and elementary and he literally stalked me for months during our senior year of high school before finally finding the courage to ask me out. When I realized how loving he was, I wanted to have sex with him. I thought “he deserved it” for being such an amazing boyfriend. And so we had a passionate relationship for nearly a year. Although we both talked about being practicing Christians, it never felt bad to engage in the “pleasures of the flesh” because I believed without a doubt that he would become my future husband. Needless to say, it did not last. When we broke up, I felt a new kind of empty. Sure I had been through rejections before and meaningless one-nights, but to have had engaged in such a way with someone I believed I should share my life with just to be left, really crushed my soul.
I was eighteen and already fed up with the whole millenial dating spiral. If good sex could not keep a man, that what could, right? After asking myself this dramatic, yet game-changing question, I began to feel sad. I felt ashamed, mostly. I started remembering all the men I had had sex with who never called me back, left me without a fight, filled my head with empty promises and robbed me of time I could have spent doing something else. A lot of people think that celibacy is about abstaining from sex only, but it actually is about using this time you would normally dedicate to finding and maintaining a relationship the only way you know to, and redirecting it to bettering yourself. I was a broken girl jumping from one guy to another simply to feel something that I could not feel on my own. Because really, sexual encounters are about feelings, the ones you have for the person you’re having intercourse with, or the ones you feel while being in the act. Either way, you might be using sex because it gives you a rush you normal life does not give you. I cannot assure or proclaim it is the same for everyone, but it certainly was for me.
Sex stretched a relationship that was doomed to fail. And when you are physically close to someone, it makes you do things you would not normally do. As Elite Daily puts it: “the power of an intense physical chemistry could be enough to leave even the most strong-minded woman completely helpless.” It is not simply a theory to scare those who already are having sex while being in a relationship. My goal is not to have you stare at your boyfriend tonight while he’s asleep and thinking “you better not leave me or I’ll go crazy.” It has been scientifically proven that having sex with someone can clutter your judgement. According to the Daily Mail, (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2031498/Sex-Why-makes-women-fall-love–just-makes-men-want-MORE.html) there’s a hormone surnamed the ‘cuddle hormone’ (real name: oxytocin) which is released during sex—which ultimately makes your subconscious trust your partner more.
In the same article, Dr. Arun Ghosh said, “The problem is that the body can’t distinguish whether the person we’re with is a casual fling or marriage material … so while it might help you bond with the love of your life, it’s also the reason you may feel so miserable when a short-term relationship ends.” I found myself trusting that my relationships were stronger just because we had a physical bond—a regular and intimate one. We all watch those sitcoms that make sex in a relationship seem like the most casual thing ever. But it has not been around for so long! People in my grandparents generation used to wait until marriage to even move in together—and statistically, their marriages worked better than marriages today. Obviously there’s a web of reasons why that is, but I still think it is a crucial point to prove that long-lasting relationships do not necessitate sex during the boyfriend-girlfriend stage. I used to measure the love between me and my boyfriend by the amount of steamy exchanges we would have, my ability to make his whole body shiver in my hot red dresses, our habit to turn everything slightly inappropriate into a whole bang-bang session.
I made the vow in June when, after three years of on-and-off debating on whether or not sex was important, I realized it never mattered to me as much as it mattered to my partners. I did it because I liked the feeling of it, but I could have done without it. And I probably would have been happier that way! It would have chased away those who were only looking to get under my skirt. After a year of being celibate, I can truly say my taste has improved. When guys find out that I am saving myself—they either get with it and find original ways to entertain me or they run like the wind to their next casual fling. I found a new respect for myself; I finally had the courage to let immature men go. All this free time gave me the space to learn about myself. In less than thirteen months I worked in a special-needs camp, organized a wedding, planned several events—which I turned into a side business, became a social media coordinator for two associations, learned how to cook delicious pescetarian meals, went back to the gym regularly, took my first driving lessons, traveled, and boosted my GPA and credit score.
Now that sex is off the table, I actually meet guys to create friendships before anything. I learned to use my time wisely and anyone—and I mean, anyone—who does not add up to this beautiful healthy lifestyle I have created for myself can just take the boot! Do I miss cuddling? Of course. Do I miss sex? Hell yes. Do I think about it sometimes? Yes. I am only human! Making the decision did not suppress any urges or emotions. But anytime I was confronted with a situation that could have led to it, I remembered the peace I have finally found and stepped away. No good *insert eggplant emoji* is worth destructing all that I have built—even if the man attached to it looks good on paper. It is a rewarding feeling to challenge your body and your mind to suppress emotions they have been accustomed to—and use that fuel and energy towards something tangible and lasting like your education, your finances, your health and your growth.
My article is not to throw shade at anyone. I am not a virgin—and if a set of circumstances had not occurred—maybe I would still be having sex. I simply believed sharing my story would resonate with other fellow collegiettes who are maybe themselves virgins (and wish to remain so during their university years) or wish to abstain from sex for a period of time. Whether you are single or not, it is never too late to change your lifestyle if you wish to. Your body, your rules. There is pride on the other side of abstinence so do not feel ashamed for not doing what everybody else is doing. You might be doing it for religious reasons, spiritual reasons or any personal reasons really. Whatever it is that motivates you, I want you to know that you are not alone. We all come from different backgrounds and capture different values. My goal is that every woman feels proud and in control of her own life in a way that challenges and satisfies her. At least, that is what celibacy has done for me.