On Tuesday of last week, Plant Floor Governor Monica Moszczyc hosted a Dinner and Dialogue event in the Katherine Blunt common room with Darcie Folsom. The event kicked off with a screening of a TED talk that featured Leslie Morgan Steiner, a survivor of intimate partner violence, who addressed the question, “Why does a person stay in an abusive relationship?” To help answer this question, Steiner described the evolution, or rather devolution, of her own relationship. The first stage in almost any domestic violence relationship, asserts Steiner, is for the abuser to seduce and charm their partner. Not only did she feel that her boyfriend believed in her in a way that no one else ever had, but she felt a strong bond of trust existed between them, fostered by the boyfriend’s disclosure of his own secret – his stepfather had repeatedly abused him when he was a child. “If you had told me that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether I wore make-up, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were, and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you because there was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Connor at the beginning,” recalls Steiner. Shortly after Connor had seduced and charmed Steiner and created the illusion that she was the dominant partner in the relationship, he initiated what Steiner categorizes as the second stage in an abusive relationship: isolation. He insisted that they move to a different city, away from friends and family, away from Steiner’s support system. Ultimately, Steiner found herself trapped – physically, financially, and psychologically – both unable and unwilling to leave the man she thought she loved.
Following the video, Moszczyc and Folsom facilitated a discussion among the students in attendance. The question was posed again – why might someone in an abusive relationship stick around? A few students volunteered hypotheses – for the sake of the children (if the couple has them), the abused doesn’t have the financial means to leave, the abuser has successfully alienated their partner from a support system, the victim doesn’t feel that they have the credibility for people to believe their story. There are emotional reasons as well – fear of retaliation, love or a feeling of responsibility toward the abuser, the last dregs of hope for the dream life that the abused had envisioned during the charm-and-seduce stage. Any number of constraints can keep a person from attempting to leave an abusive relationship.
Moszczyc and Folsom stressed the importance of discussing this topic, particularly given that there are so many myths in answer to the question “why does she stay” that propagate victim blame. “Abuse thrives only in silence,” Steiner points out. Understanding why a person might continue to engage with an abuser both helps us recognize when we are in an unhealthy relationship, as well as be more attuned to the situations of others. Folsom reminded those in attendance that there is no typical abuser or victim – in fact, abusive people are often the most charismatic people you will ever meet – and we do a disservice to our community and to our loved ones by assuming that no one needs help. Chances are you do know someone who has experienced or is experiencing intimate partner violence or other forms of abuse, since one in three American women are victims of domestic violence or stalking.
Conversations about intimate partner violence are especially important to have on a college campus, due to the fact that women between the ages of 16 and 24 are three times more likely to be abused than women of other ages. For more information regarding intimate partner violence, or to learn about ways to become more involved with prevention and education efforts, contact Darcie Folsom by emailing darcie.folsom@conncoll.edu or calling 860-439-2219.