What would Turkey Day be without some good ol’ interrogation from Aunt Bonnie, Grandpa Joey, or even Little sib Sandra? Here are some of the most excruciatingly painful questions you will be asked at the dinner table, advice on how to organize your brutally honest thoughts, and then how to actually respond in more polite words…even if all you want to do is chow down on candied yams and mashed potatoes in peace…
1. When your newly engaged cousin asks: Tell us, sweetheart – do you have a boyfriend?
What you’re thinking: Why no, my past “relationships” (read: unfortunate drunken fondling and other miscellaneous acts of vice at various Cro dances that I’d like to pretend I was too drunk to remember) here have been about as fruitful as your botched botox. That being said, my newfound career goal is to become a celibate Monk who makes strawberry jam preserves for the rest of my life.
What you can actually say out loud: I’m actually focusing on my studies right now so I can get into a top-tier medical school! I’ll meet my dream guy in the operating room where we can bond over performing open-heart surgery…
2. When cousin Tom, famous for receiving a science scholarship inquires: Your parents pay all this money for you to go to college and you’re majoring in ENGLISH!? What could you possibly do with an English major!?
What you’re thinking: My plans after college consist of living in a box, duh!! But I’ll paint it pink, so it’s all good.
What you can actually say out loud: I’m actually interested in being a lawyer specializing in women’s rights, so English helps with communication skills, critical thinking, and reading comprehension! I’m just looking at the bigger picture, really.
3. As Aunt Karen skips the stuffing and only goes for the salad: “Oh honey… the Freshman 15 isn’t just a myth, after all, huh?”
What you’re thinking: @($#@(%$#*@ !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Toll House Cookie Pie and alcohol is not a great combination and hard to resist, OKAY?!!!
What you can actually say out loud: I’m surprised you didn’t know that the AC was under reconstruction… besides, Beyonce would highly approve of my newly curvaceous self, don’t you think!? Wait, wait don’t answer that actually. But regardless, I am working on my self as a whole: mind, body, and soul, it’s just having some rough patches.
4. As your little sibling yanks on your shirt sleeve with reckless abandon: Do you mind if I turn your bedroom into a hangout room for me and my besties to chill in?!? Because I already did.
What you’re thinking: BUT WHY!?!?!?!? THIS IS A TRAVESTY! THIS IS UTTER BLASPHEMY! THIS IS SO SO INCREDIBLY WRONG.
What you can actually say out loud: What’s done is done. Enjoy, kid. (+5 bonus points if you can form a somewhat pleasant expression on your crestfallen face).
5. When you awkwardly reach for the wine bottle and are met with looks of horror: You don’t drink ALCOHOL, do you!?
What you’re thinking: Nooooo…… *twiddles underage thumbs and whistles casually while remembering the shenanigans that just happened over the weekend*
What you can actually say out loud: My peers and I are very responsible and while alcohol can be problematic for some, I make sure that when I do have a drink, it is in a very safe space and I know my limit.
See? Those awkward questions don’t have to be so awkward, after all!