Change and evolving is one of the most important tasks a human must go thru within there lifetime. Change and evolution can be daunting and scary. Telling your experiences and stories can help people feel less alone as we all try navigating this time…so here is my story.
Something I did not prepare for when I was getting ready to start my college journey was how fast time passes when you get into college. Sure the older people in my life like my mom and dad said it in passing a couple times. “Before you know it you will be graduating and starting your journey as an adult,” but I never took those quotes too seriously. However, as I approach my final month of my freshman year of college, I wish I had listened to them.
I notice people my age have a hard time living within the present moment. It is easy to get wrapped up in the future, thinking about all your upcoming assignments or getting wrapped up in the past. Regretting not telling the one guy in your econ lecture class that you liked his shoes.
College is fleeting and goes by very fast, this may be the only time in your life that it is socially acceptable to pretty much do anything you want because everyone understands that this this the time to try to new things and find who you are. Do the embarrassing things,make mistakes and keep going.
So many changes have happened this year that sometimes I think of my life as a TV show that somebody else is tuning into. I used to sit in this park that was near my highschool and eat little snacks in my car. I would cry and think to myself, will things get better, will I have friends, will I live a life for me and not live vicariously through other people?
I remember the long sundays, listening to lana del ray in my 2010 brown subaru outback, driving throughout Denver not having anywhere to go or anyone to see. Pushing down the lump in my throat as I heard stories about the weekend parties from my “friends” that I was not invited to.
Those days would eat me up. The feeling of isolation was all consuming. I felt empty and desperate for change. I would think if my life was a TV show, the people watching would be f*cking bored.
I sometimes forget that time in my life. It’s easy to forget times in your life that were really hard when things are good. The hard times are really important to remember though because the hard times always teach you the most. They give you perspective and purpose and drive. I had a goal coming into Boulder, I knew what I needed and I knew it was not going to be easy, but I refused to be a victim in my own life. I was going to put myself out there and meet people and find what is important to me.
Before I knew it, I had friends — friends in my classes, in my dorm, and even friends that lived nowhere near me. To the new people in my life, I was a kind, hard working, and an outgoing person. I had dreams and goals and strived for perfection.
On the inside though it was a constant workout having to unlearn the actions and thoughts I had created about myself during my high school experience. Eventually, though, it stopped being a conscious effort and instead became second nature.
I think about the activities I do now and think about what junior year of high school me would think. I’m in a public speaking class where I have to get up in front of a crowd of people my age and be open about myself — I can’t hide and hope nobody sees me. I’m open about my sexuality and proud. I’m a part of multiple clubs that I joined, by myself and attend by myself. I go to parties,talk to new people, and have a group of girls that I trust completely. All these things were what junior year me begged for.
As the year comes to an end, I’m blessed to be able to look back and reflect on everything I was able to experience. I feel so much gratitude that I found the courage within myself to try new things and go to college. I’ve learned from this year that when I eventually stumble upon another hard time which is inevitable, that it’s for a reason and there is a beautiful new beginning waiting right around the corner.
My TV show is filled with new characters and adventures and the watchers are not bored any longer.