Over a year has passed since the dreaded word “COVID-19” was introduced to our vocabulary, and it’s safe to say that not one person has gone unaffected by the virus. I can clearly recall being squeezed in between friends at a lunch table last year, listening with only a passing interest as one student provided us with daily coronavirus updates. I remember when there were only six cases, and I didn’t think much of it. I remember when there were 50 cases, and my interest was only slightly piqued.
I remember when the virus made its way out of China, and I began to worry.
During the first quarantine, it’s safe to say that I was a wreck. I fell behind in my schoolwork and worried constantly. At that time, though, it was acceptable, because I was not alone. The whole world seemed to be put on pause while everyone adjusted.
By the second quarantine, this intermission had ended. People were no longer taking time to relax and adjust; now, the pressure to “glow-up” was added. It was no longer enough to just exist—you had to improve.
I wasn’t ready for that, though. I was still processing the drastic changes the world was undergoing, and I didn’t want to do HIIT workouts, learn a new language, or take up cake decorating. I was having a hard enough time simply getting out of bed every day, and it wasn’t long before a new factor came into play that added yet another layer of pressure: social media.
Despite the fact that I was alone physically, online, I was connected with the whole world, and it was debilitating. I was surrounded by people who were accomplishing seemingly everything, all while I was doing nothing. From my couch, I watched girls who could sing, who could dance, who could lift weights, who could play the guitar, who could speak three languages. Everyone was prettier than me, more talented, and more intelligent. Social media, which had once been a sort of haven for me, was no longer an escape; rather, it made me feel inferior. I was convinced that I was worth less than others. I had fallen behind, and I couldn’t catch up. Never before had I felt so utterly alone.
At this point, I wish I would have realized that I wasn’t the only person who felt this way. In fact, the number of people who were achieving these goals―which to me, felt unattainable―was far exceeded by the number of people like me, who weren’t necessarily doing anything exceptional. It took me months to come to this conclusion, and I wish I had known it from the start. Quarantine doesn’t need to be an opportunity for improvement. There truly is no pressure to become a better version of yourself by the time the pandemic ends. By now, we have crossed a threshold into territory in which coronavirus, lockdowns, and social distancing cannot be described as atypical. Instead, this is part of the new normal, and that takes adjustment. Adjustment is a process that requires time, and everyone deserves to take the time they need. In the face of an uncertain future, patience and kindness are key―not only with others but with yourself as well.
This is a skill that, to be honest, I’m still developing. It’s easy to backslide into that self-deprecating speech: that girl is prettier than I am, she’s so much funnier, why can’t I be more like her? When these thoughts reappear, it’s difficult to find my way back to that balance point again; but just like anything else, self-kindness takes practice. Maybe the way we’re meant to improve ourselves in quarantine has nothing to do with fitness or beauty or academics. Maybe kindness is the muscle we need to exercise, and maybe we can learn to give ourselves a little bit of the love we deserve.