My mom recently told me a story about when I was three. I didn’t perform well on a test, presumably on colors, numbers, or whatever 3-year-olds study. I came home inconsolable. Not meeting my expectations at such a young age completely obliterated me from the inside. At three, I felt like an absolute waste of space, believing I would amount to nothing because I couldn’t achieve perfection.
At 13 years old, we had a get-to-know-me questionnaire on the first day of school. One of the questions was about our biggest truth. I could have talked about my fears of heights and spiders, or how I like to eat Cheetos with honey, but none of that mattered to me. Nothing puts the fear of God into me like failing. My response was, “If I cannot be the best, I cannot be anything at all.” It’s depressing to think of a 7th grader putting such pressure on herself, but I meant every word. This was a pattern I had maintained since toddlerhood, breaking it was the last thing on my mind.
Now, I bring you to my senior year of high school when I had 22 final exams. The coordinator of the program commented when I was a freshman that I wasn’t as good as he thought I would be. This enraged me like nothing else. Leading up to finals, I did not leave my room for two months and lost a significant amount of weight as a result. But he pissed me off, so I was going to prove him wrong. And where did that leave me? Burnt out and lost. But I graduated with honors from the most rigorous program in the world, so it was worth it, right? I guess.
And now, at 19 years old, I’m struggling with Russian Linguistics in college. One of the hardest languages in the world, and I, Maya Tornerud, am struggling. It can’t be possible, right? I’m supposed to be the smart one, the one you ask for help – the overachiever. Alas, two weeks ago, I received a poor grade on my Russian exam, and I still haven’t physically or emotionally recovered. I lost my appetite. I completely shut down – because how could I let this happen?
I think a large part of my addiction to perfection stems from my childhood and tying my self-worth to my academic performance because I felt as though I had nothing else to offer this world. I also think as a woman, the majority if not all of our worth is tied to our beauty. But as Dr. Christina Yang said: “Oh, screw beautiful. I’m brilliant.” Beauty comes and goes, but no one can ever take away your intellect. That is what pushes me.
People in my life tell me I need to relax and enjoy my college experience, but I do not see the point in apologizing for wanting to be great. If a man had the same mentality as me, he would be called determined and an academic, so why can’t I have an extreme thirst for the same thing? Granted, my whole problem is I tend to go overboard with my perfectionism, but most of the time, I do not care. Whether it means no sleep, no food, no parties, or copious amounts of caffeine, I will do whatever it takes to succeed.
But what happens when the day comes when I inevitably completely collapse from exhaustion and burnout? How will I pick myself back up and put the pieces together? Is there a way to be successful while maintaining a healthy school, work, and life balance? I hope so.
This is not a guide on how to detach yourself from perfectionism; rather, it is a real-life account of how difficult it can be to let go of something so engraved in you that maybe you’re willing to keep it, embody it, and deal with its consequences later in life. But I so badly want to go to a lecture hungover, go on that date, eat that meat lover’s pizza, forget my homework, and more importantly, allow myself to fail without letting my world fall apart at the same time.
We need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here.
– Anne Lamott
It is a constant back and forth with myself: trying to give myself grace and achieve something of a balance. I truly believe I will get there. I am already doing better. But at the same time, I will never apologize for wanting to be great, for having unmatched drive, and for wanting to be a strong, independent career woman who is ruthless in every way. I will not apologize for longing after something that I have every right to want.