Relationships can be hard, and so can conversations about sex. However, when you are beginning to connect with your partner, it’s important you both know where you stand on intimacy—it’s a big part of the relationship. Trust me, I know it can be confusing. Some people might feel awkward because it’s hard knowing what time is best to speak about it—here are some questions and conversation starters both parties should acknowledge for comfort and trust.
What is consent?
This may seem like a simple, yet broad definition as it refers to one’s sexual boundaries and communication where both parties agree and actively say “yes” or “no” to any sexual act, including kissing. Planned Parenthood states that consent is “actively agreeing to be sexual with someone. Consent lets someone know that sex is wanted. Sexual activity without consent is rape or sexual assault.”
Let’s put it this way: you and a significant other have been together for some time now, just about three weeks, and things have become intimate, such as slight touching above genital areas or a few kisses here and there. However, neither you nor your partner have directly expressed what you are looking for in this relationship, or shared where either of you stand on sex. One day your partner makes a move; the setting isn’t exactly comfortable, you’ve never gone farther than a kiss and you both are intoxicated. So what happens here?
For starters, nothing. Nobody in this relationship should make any sexual efforts until someone says one of the following phrases. However, it’s important to note that anyone can change their choice at any time in the act:
“Do you want this?’
“Are you ready to have sex?”
“Are you comfortable with (whatever touching is being done)?”
“May I touch you here?’
“How may I touch you?”
‘What are you not comfortable with?’
“Do you have any abuse in the past I should be aware of?’
Sex comes in many forms and ways—whether it’s protection or things as specific as positions in the bedroom, it doesn’t matter, at all times consent is important. You always get a say.
Say in this scenario, consent was not given. As mentioned, both parties are intoxicated and may not fully be aware of their environment. Title XI, a civil rights law enacted to protect individuals and victims of sexual assault, emphasizes that “a person who is physically and mentally incapacitated as a result of alcohol or drug consumption, whether voluntary or involuntary, is incapable of giving consent to sexual activity.” As the one who initiated the act was aware that the other individual was under the influence, that person committed an act of sexual assault. They took advantage of another individual.
No one that has been taken advantage of is at fault, and some resources are available that can help you or someone you know who has experienced this situation.
Many colleges, such as the University of Colorado Boulder, provide access to multiple services and counselors who can assist, anonymously. Here are some links below:
- Boulder Community Health Hospital
- Boulder Valley Health Center
- Planned Parenthood
- Medical Forensic Exams (SANE-Sexual Assault Nurse Exam)
- Office of Victim Assistance
Sex should be fun and memorable, though some unrealistic expectations can occur. If you or your partner feels like something is off at any point in time, you should stop. It’s best to know what your partners are or aren’t comfortable with, though it may take time.
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