It is extremely hard to come out even if you know everyone around you is accepting.
This summer I came out to my family and friends because I started dating a girl. It wasn’t a traditional “coming out” story because I am lucky enough to not have to sit down and give them a whole spiel about my identity. I just told them that I was dating my best friend Noa and that was that. Obviously there were many questions, but they were all respectful and genuinely curious ones. While my family and friends have made it “easy,” this doesn’t mean the experience wasn’t very difficult.
I grew up in a very conservative place, so my entire childhood I heard the word “gay” as an insult. I was a girl who was very into sports and feminism, so naturally I was called a “dyke” for as long as I can remember, and I still am today. Though this was very normalized where I was from, it didn’t make it hurt any less. Because of this, it was very challenging for me to come to terms with how I felt about other girls. I am very stubborn, so I didn’t want to prove all those Illinois bullies right.
A little over a year ago I dyed my hair bright pink after being blonde my entire life. I had not one but two people from my hometown literally text me “are you gay”. These were men that I had not talked to in years, and I had no real connection to them. The fact that they had the audacity to pull out their phone and ask me that is astounding. Also, the only facts they had to go off of was that my hair was pink and I had a septum ring? Such unreal behavior.
So, as I started having real feelings for a girl, it was very scary for me because it was new and I didn’t know what it meant. There was the other really insignificant aspect that I was falling in love with my best friend, my roommate, and we were studying abroad in Italy together at the time. I didn’t know if she was gay or even felt the same way about me. It was honestly the most stressful thing I’ve ever been through because there was so much at stake, it was going to change everything.
Now, as I look back on this time from eight months ago, I would not change a single thing. Noa is the best part of my day, every day. I would take on the nights that I laid awake thinking about how her head was in my lap while we were watching TV, and if that meant we were best friends or if she was trying to flirt, all over again. Or the hours I spent reflecting on a moment at a party where we held hands for a little longer than two friends may hold hands and what that meant. There are so many more examples I have of moments like these that caused me great amounts of stress and anxiety. But again, our relationship wouldn’t be the way it is without these moments.
It also is very difficult to grasp the idea that Noa and I have to deal with so much more than a heterosexual couple would. It feels hurtful and very, very unfair. The other day we were walking on the sidewalk holding hands in Boulder, and there was a homeless man screaming the F word slur. We didn’t know if he was directing this action towards us but just to be safe we didn’t show any signs of love for the remainder of the walk and had to speed walk and make sure he wasn’t following us. There’s another instance in which we kissed in public and a group of men asked us if we could kiss again for them. When we take Ubers alone, we don’t mention that we are a couple as a safety precaution because you never know how people will react, and if they would act rashly while being in physical control of you. Sometimes when I’m talking about Noa in a story I call her my roommate instead of my girlfriend because I don’t want to deal with anyone’s reaction to the news that I am the obscure rarity of being gay.
In America, seeing all the political discourse about the LGBTQ+ community is very damaging to my identity. The idea that my old high school has banned one of my favorite book series “Heartstopper” from the libraries just because it features a gay couple brings me to tears if I think about it too intensely. As a gay person in America I have to filter out a lot of the news because it hurts too bad to see. I know it is important to learn about current events and be aware of such topics, but sometimes these things are bigger than me and it is horrifying to try and understand.
So, while I am very lucky that my family and friends have been nothing but supportive towards me during this time, it doesn’t make the notion of being gay in this society easy. The world is a cruel place, no matter how much progress we may have made. I have never been happier to live in a liberal place like Boulder, but there are so many people out there that are less fortunate than I am to even have that choice.
I just want to say thank you to my mom, dad, siblings, extended family, friends, and most importantly Noa, for making this journey the best it could have been and for supporting me in every aspect of my life. I love you all with my entire heart.