We lose people in life. People that we thought were going to be in our lives forever. Or someone who stayed through all the pain and sadness. When you lose that person, it reminds you, once again, that nothing in this life is for forever. That hurts. It stabs you in the most tender places. It’s like losing a vital organ. You don’t know how you will walk, breathe, or talk after, and you can’t fathom how you will go forward. But as hard as it is to hear, everything you lose is for a reason. It’s clearing out a place in your life for something else. Something better. As I grew up, I learned that life is way too short to hold grudges for people you once loved. Life’s too short not to forgive and move on. That doesn’t mean forgetting what happened; it just means moving on from it. A lot of times, when we lose people, we resort to anger because that is the only way to deal with the sadness. But with time comes understanding – understanding that everything is for a reason. It might not be the biggest or grandest reason, but it’s for something. So these are two letters: one to an ex-best friend and one to an ex-lover. Both of which most humans have experienced losing. It’s a letter of forgiveness. A letter reminding them that love never fades. It’s always there. It’s a letter written to remind them that I truly, completely wish them the best.
To you,
Even though we don’t talk anymore, I hope you’re ok. I hope you still jump on any table in sight when Mr. Brightside comes on because that was always your favorite song. I hope you are finally teaching second grade because you were always the best at teaching kids. I hope you found the one you were searching for. I hope he treats you like the queen you are. I hope he makes the triple-cheese mac and cheese that you used to eat daily. I hope he makes sure you drink water after a night out because you would always wake up drunk the next morning if you forgot. I hope you still laugh the loudest in the room because it always made me laugh harder. I hope you finally got to travel to Asia because that was always one of your biggest dreams. How’s your mom? Is she still living on the vineyard in California? I hope she is; I remember visiting her there with you, and seeing how happy she was always brought me joy.
Even though we don’t talk anymore, I hope you’re happy. I hope you finally found peace and finally fought those voices that always told you you were not good enough because you were always more than enough. You were the sun to every rainstorm I had. You brought laughter during the days when the darkness engulfed me. You made me, me. So I want to say thank you for that. Thank you for showing me just how worthy of love I was. Thank you for holding me up when he broke my heart. Thank you for lying on the bathroom floor with me crying and telling me how much of a horrible person he was. Thank you for dancing in the kitchen, leaving that party, and going to that concert with me. You and I, we were something. I used to spend so many nights wondering what went wrong between us and how we fell apart so easily when our bond felt like the strongest thing on earth. But you know what? Sometimes, life makes no sense. Sometimes, we lose some of the greatest people we have ever met because that is just what is meant for us. I learned that we were perfect for each other at that time. During that time of our lives, we worked. We were magic. I came to terms with that. Yes, we are not in each other’s lives anymore, but we both grew from that friendship. We became the people we are today because of that. I know now that I am the person I am today because of you. So I want to thank you for that. Thank you for giving me this sense of self that I didn’t have before I met you.
Even though we don’t talk anymore, I hope you still play the guitar. I hope you still play it every morning because everyone in this world needs to hear your voice. I hope you still eat your morning bagel while watching “Gossip Girl.” I hope you finally forgave him. I hope you realized that your peace was more important than revenge. I remember how that ate you alive. I hope you realize that your worth was never defined by what he did to you. I hope you know that I want you to be happy. I want you to experience so much joy in this lifetime because you brought me so much. I hope you finally learned to love yourself as much as other people love you. Even though we don’t talk anymore, I hope you know I’ll always love you.
To you,
Even though we don’t talk anymore, I hope you are ok. I hope you finally got into medical school and aren’t studying too hard. I remember how you used to study for hours and then would always come home hungry for nothing but a grilled cheese. I hope you finally talked to your brother and forgave each other for that fight. You know I always just wanted to see you happy. I hope your mom and dad are healthy and that little Bailey is still stealing pieces of pizza from your table.
Even though we don’t talk anymore, I hope you can finally sleep. I used to wish that you would lay awake at night regretting all the things that you did to me. I used to hope that you would lose as much sleep as I did, wishing that I was next to you — calming your thoughts and easing the pain. I used to hope you were up at 3 a.m. listening to our favorite songs, sobbing uncontrollably because I thought that it would bring me peace to know that you were in as much pain as I was. Now you ask, what changed? Time. Time really does heal all wounds. With time, I learned how to find happiness in all the beautiful moments we had. I truly learned how much you taught me. With time, I learned that no matter how hard I tried to hate you, I will always love you. Because that’s what love does; it never leaves, like a memory. It digs itself into your mind, and no matter how much you bury and try to forget about it, it’s always there. It’s a part of you. So yes, I will always love you. I never would want someone I love to be in as much pain as I was. So I do hope you can finally sleep now.
Even though we don’t talk anymore, I hope you fought those demons that would invade your dreams. I hope you still have silly posters lining your room because I remember how much joy they used to bring you. Do you still paint? I hope you do. You were one of the most talented painters I knew. I remember how I could sit and watch you for hours because when you painted, the whole world disappeared. It was you and the canvas. You know I will always be your biggest supporter.
Even though we don’t talk anymore, I hope you find her. The one that I couldn’t be.The one that can bring you the pieces and parts I was missing. I hope she makes you happy. I hope she can make you laugh a lot. I hope she can hold you when you let your mind spiral. I hope she’s someone who can give you the tightest hugs because I know those were always your favorite. I hope she loves you and you love her because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy and to feel loved because I loved you. And I know you deserve to feel that type of feeling because love is one of the greatest feelings on Earth. I hope you become the doctor you’ve always dreamed of because you are easily the smartest person I knew. I hope you finally get the two daughters and one son like you always dreamed of. I hope you do everything in this life. Everything you always dreamed of. I hope you still eat that weird strawberry and pineapple ice cream that I always hated because I know how happy it made you. Even though we don’t talk anymore, I hope you know I will always be your biggest supporter.