First off, there is something important to know about me; when I love, I love hard. I don’t take crushes lightly. Obviously I have found a multitude of people attractive, but I move on right as soon as I turn my head. My genuine crushes, however, are a different story. From elementary school through high school I have had about three crushes. They were all major.Â
I get consumed with my demanding emotions. I can’t sleep at night because my mind is running rampant with what ifs? and my desperation to satiate my starving imagination. I’m smiling at our past conversations, I’m analyzing every look, every glance, and the meaning behind every second of eye contact held. It drives me crazy.Â
The hardest part of catching feelings for someone you’re friends with is it’s almost damn near impossible to tell if they feel the same way as you. You question yourself and if you misread every conversation or every second of the game eye tag you engage in. You can’t tell if it’s flirty or friendly conversation with inside jokes or if there’s anything behind the intentional eye contact. It’s exhausting to second guess not only yourself, but another person’s intentions.Â
Deciphering between platonic and romantic feelings towards my friend was even more difficult because this is the first time that I’ve ever had feelings for a girl. That revelation itself was both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.Â
I knew my feelings weren’t just platonic.Â
The image of her runs rampant in my head and consumes my every thought. I am in awe of how passionate and naturally smart she is, how welcoming she is, how comfortable she makes everyone, I think of how unintentionally alluring she is, and I especially think of how when I speak she gives me every ounce of her attention. She is home to one of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the pleasure of encountering.Â
I can imagine her meeting my parents (my mom would absolutely love her), I can imagine her meeting my best friend, I can imagine her celebrating every small achievement in my life with me, I can imagine cooking dinner with her, I can imagine her being there when life hits from all fronts — I can imagine it all. I wanted it all with her. I still do.Â
I crave her attention and I take every opportunity to physically be with her. I search for every excuse to talk to her — even if it’s just about something as mindless as talking about a new movie on Netflix. I look for any reason to touch her, even if it’s only for a little while. I’ve never been much of a physical touch person, but I desire it from her.Â
Every interaction we have slowly builds a new and refreshing lens on life for me. I’ve noticed that after every time I am lucky enough to talk to her, I feel lighter. I feel inspired and more confident in myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever had feelings for someone as I do with her. That’s what scares me.Â
I had a plan to just ask her flat out, “are we just friends?” It was driving me utterly insane, but after a few more hangouts and conversations, I decided that asking that would cross a line I’m not ready to cross. I don’t want to lose my friendship with such an amazing person. Especially because I am not 100% sure that it’s mutual. I don’t want to lose something sensational to find out.Â
A few days ago, I was over at her house for a kickback and when it was us two and another one of our friends, she mentioned how another one of our other friends was looking really attractive and intriguing that night. That really solidified the fact that she sees me as just a friend. And I wish I could say it surprised me, but it didn’t. I was always slightly prepared for that realization.
It’s melancholic for me to think that I will always have admiration and care for her, but I don’t see the line between friendship and more will get crossed. I’m learning to be okay with that. I would rather remain just her friend and still be lucky enough to engage with her radiant presence, than lose her completely.Â
I do know though that if she ever changed her mind and asked me to be more — I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes.Â