How do you forgive someone for the unforgivable? This question has circled endlessly in my mind for the past 20 years. How can I forgive my emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive father? How can I forgive my manipulative past relationships? How can I forgive myself for the things I’ve done? Forgiveness is complex, and often trivial. It can be impatient, overwhelming, and at times, unjust. Some people may never forgive others, fearing that forgiveness justifies their actions and creates an excuse to hold onto past trauma. However, an experience I recently had has changed my perspective on forgiveness.
A week before school started, my boyfriend of two-and-a-half years impulsively broke up with me. Our relationship was not perfect, but we loved each other deeply and had even talked about getting engaged within the next year. I was shattered when he looked me in the eyes and said he no longer wanted to be in a relationship and asked me to leave his house. After hearing the news and trying to process it without any real explanation, I felt hatred for him for the first time, and I hated him fiercely. Days passed where my roommate couldn’t escape my relentless rants. I fixated on every flaw he had and every time he had let me down. I hated him so much that I screamed at him in public, in front of a large crowd, without hesitation—and I felt good about it.
I thought about my parents after their divorce. They never forgave each other. If my dad saw my mom at the grocery store, he would storm out, unable to stand seeing her in public. They harbored resentment toward one another. Sometimes, while growing up, I wondered what it would be like if they could be civil. They didn’t have to forgive each other, but surely they could speak of one another with some decency for the sake of their children, right? Later, I realized that such thinking only led me to a false reality. I am a big believer in my own delusions, which can be both a gift and a curse.
Initially, I wasn’t planning to forgive my ex. But when I thought about that little girl inside me, I realized that forgiveness doesn’t hold you back; it sets you free. Without forgiveness, we cling to resentment, using it to fuel our lives. The person we hate occupies space in our minds, which becomes a prison for our mental freedom. The hate we harbor constricts us and won’t go away unless we accept it and move on. Forgiveness can happen with or without the other person, and it does not exclude accountability.
We can all recognize times when we have acted unjustly—unless you’re a narcissist, I suppose. We can extend grace to one another for things said or done in moments of anger or emotional upheaval. However, this does not mean that forgiveness occurs without accountability. In fact, I believe true forgiveness requires acknowledging the wrongs committed against us. You can only forgive someone when you recognize the harm they caused and understand that it was unjust. While you can’t change the past, you can make choices now that pave the way for a better future. Forgiveness allows you to distance yourself from the person and leave them behind, enabling you to step gracefully into your own independence.
People can do things to others that may seem unforgivable. My dad’s physical abuse left me with permanent injuries and memories that will never fade. The trauma from the 15 years of my relationship with him is both painful and, in some moments, blissful. We all have an ugly and disturbing side that can emerge under the right circumstances. Even if you believe you could never forgive your past relationships, I hope you can find the love in your heart to forgive those who hurt you, seeking freedom for your own sake to move on with grace and stability. It will not be easy, but in my opinion, it will be worth it.