I grew up watching a range of expressions of love. Some acts of romance I witnessed left me in awe of how two people could be so devoted to each other in such a beautiful way. Other times, I was shocked to see how often betrayal and pain grows between a relationship, inevitably tearing it apart.Â
In my few years of dating, I never experienced any of those awe struck romantic connections that I mentioned before. My love life began to feel like an endless cycle of chasing, disappointment, and insecurity.Â
I proudly believe that any experience–especially in love–will either be a lesson or a blessing, so I began to take what I had previously been through, and tried to learn from it. I really did think I was learning from my past experiences, but in reflection,, I realized that in actuality I was just publicly claiming “self-improvement” without actually engraving what I learned into myself, and moving forward with new mindsets.Â
When I first met my (now) boyfriend, I had no intention of getting into a relationship. We both had the same desire to keep things casual and avoid any chance of catching feelings. Personally, I just didn’t feel like it was the right time for me to get into anything serious, I wanted to keep “healing.”
Soon enough, we both admitted to the other that we had done the unspeakable– we fell for each other, and within our first week of dating, I already f*cked up. Before my boyfriend, I had never been in a real relationship. My love life was a series of talking stages and one-sided situationships. I never had the chance to dip my toe into the pool of commitment and understand all the implications behind being committed to someone.Â
To quickly set the scene, we were at a rave. My boyfriend made a comment that my intoxicated self took a little too seriously, so I made the ignorant decision to strike up a platonic conversation with the two guys next to us in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. In that instant, all I could feel was a pit of guilt swimming through my stomach, and I am sure you can imagine the unbridled tension brewing between us.
This was the first moment I was ever truly aware of my toxic behavior, and the first moment I knew that I wanted to be better. All I had ever wanted was a healthy and sustainable relationship, but how could I have that if I was making my decisions out of malice and jealousy?
A huge protest of mine against the rejection of my destructive behavior, was actually admitting that I was a part of the problem. Because my other experiences in dating were never that serious, I had the tendency to blame every wrong within the “relationship” on the other person, accurate or not. It felt easier for me to place blame on someone else rather than analyze the situation and consider my faults as well. Now I am absolutely not saying that I was the main antagonist in these situationships– because I am sure many of you can agree that men aren’t sh*t majority of the time.With that being said, it was arrogant for me to believe that I was completely perfect, as much as I would like to believe that. Â
My tendencies to “match energy” and behave out of spite were not the only behaviors that I needed to unlearn as I began to navigate my first real and committed relationship. Through tribulations, discussions, and arguments, I recognized my tendency to shut down. I would often–and admittedly still do sometimes–write this off as just needing time to think and figure out my choice of words. But through my boyfriend’s patience and our willingness to hear each other out, I came to the conclusion that I do only behave that way because I am scared of saying the wrong thing..Â
I am naturally a very jealous person. I know this is a controversial topic, as every individual has different boundaries and definitions of cheating, but I was never truly aware of how deep my jealousy runs until I got into my current relationship. I might sound crazy and possessive, but my eye twitches at the very thought of my boyfriend speaking to another woman, a feeling I don’t particularly enjoy.Â
Throughout the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend and I found ourselves having more and more conversations about boundaries and what each of our individual definitions of cheating look like. The most important thing when it comes to jealousy in a relationship, is finding a partner with like-mindedness in the way interactions and relations with people outside of the relationship are viewed. Through these discussions, I have not only been able to understand his boundaries, but I have also become more in tune and honest about what makes me comfortable and my boundaries. By analyzing and staying true to your personal limits, you are inevitably going to have an easier time knowing your worth and sticking to it. If you vocalize those boundaries and watch as they are violated by your partner, that is a clear indication of disrespect against you as an individual, a concept that has no place in any healthy relationship.Â
During the time with my boyfriend, the learning lesson I would argue as being the most important surrounds my confidence, and finding worth in being more than just a body. In past situationships, it was very obvious that I was just a body. I continuously fell into a pattern of feeling good enough for sex, but never good enough to be a girlfriend. As I mentioned, my boyfriend and I were just casual at the start, and I’m sure most of you can decode what that actually means. Even when our relationship was just labeled as casual, I was never made to feel like I felt before. It finally felt like I was more than just an object for someone else’s pleasure– a concept that had always been difficult for me to grasp.Â
It was in this new reassurance that I was able to reach a level of confidence that allowed me to feel empowered, and strip myself of the faux cosmetics and aesthetics I was using to hide behind my “looks”. One strong example of this would be my lash extensions, and I know that sounds silly and superficial, but it’s true. For context, my mom is an esthetician, and has owned a lash business for the majority of my life, so I got started on this cosmetic kick very early in my adolescence. I used to get lash extensions, with zero breaks in between from 2019 until May of this year. Not only was that horrible for my confidence and sense of self, but holy sh*t were my lashes stubby and brittle. Even knowing that I looked completely different after abandoning my cat-eye facade, my boyfriend made sure to instill a newfound love into our relationship allowing me to realize I have been, and always will be more than just my “looks.”
When you start to unlearn previously unnoticed toxic behavior and actually apply the inverse of such to your relationships, you will begin to see a transformation in the way love is given and received. Whether you’re currently looking for a partner, happily single, or in an amazing relationship, always make sure that you are with someone who actively makes you better–because if you don’t grow together, you’ll just grow apart.