Every sentient organism on this planet, be it a toad, dog, or even you and I, experiences a phenomenon called emotion. Emotion is an umbrella term for every instinctive feeling our brains signal us to experience. Our emotions are what tell the world: “This is how I feel right now!”. There is so much beauty in our emotions and how we can speak to one another through the laughter that makes our stomachs hurt or the weight of our sorrow displayed on our frowns. There is such power and volume that can come from the ways we express our emotions, so why would we ever want to conceal how we feel?
Loud was something I was raised in. I sat through family dinners at the dining room table and at restaurants, where our conversation and laughter from the stories we told turned heads from other tables and echoed off walls. I grew up being able to hear my mother on a phone call catching up with a friend, my father’s every reaction to the Steelers game, and my brother’s immersive video game commentary from one end of my home to the other. Most certainly, I am not removed from that equation of noise either, with my aimless (and very out of tune) singing or my loud Facetime conversations with my best friend. I was always taught to foster the “loud” aspect of my personality because it was my utmost authentic self. I grew up with the understanding that being loud about your emotional state was normal and experiencing that as an exclamation of raw and unadulterated joy, pain, or anger.
I can openly admit that I am a loud person. Pretty early on, I was categorized as “the loud girl.” Everyone has their version of the “loud girl,” whether it was you or you knew them, I’m sure at least someone comes to mind. While it may seem like a pretty meaningless title, being involuntarily deemed the “loud girl” is beyond demeaning. The only times I have ever truly been considered “loud” by others are the moments when I get swept away in the thrill of a conversation, whether I’m laughing from the hilarity of a discussion or ranting about something that bothers me, and I lose control of my volume.
One specific time in high school, a friend relayed to me that someone I had never met before straight up didn’t like me. This was not because of anything I did or a bad first impression, but solely because they thought I was too loud. I understand that being loud is not accepted everywhere, as I would never start shouting in a library, and I can respect that some people are more extroverted than others. That one bit of worthless high school gossip, however, sent me on a spiral of how when I am displaying my most authentic self, it’s a burden to those around me. It surely wasn’t the first time I had heard something like that, and usually, I never let words like that sink that deep into me, but for whatever reason, what this one stranger said about me, someone they never even tried to get to know, hurt even more.
To say it’s upsetting whenever I’m hushed with “Why are you just so loud?” or “Can you just be quiet?” when I am in the middle of speaking would be the understatement of the year. It’s devastating. The very second I hear those words, it’s like all the life is sucked right out of me. By saying any degree or variation of “Could you just not be so loud,” all you’re telling me is that when I express that I care about something or I am happy, just as every other human being on this planet does, it’s too much. That when I am myself, I am too much. This ties into this soul-crushing feeling of thinking that your personality is the greatest flaw in being enough. That solely by being too loud, most times by accident, you have ruined a conversational experience for everyone. That point-blank is an insanely toxic and self-harmful way of thinking; to not think like that when I am condemned to thinking that my emotional response is another person’s burden is much easier said than done. It’s so easy to fall into the obsession of thinking you need to dim your emotions to fit the expectations of others, and sometimes it’s hard to pull yours out of obsession, but when I begin to slip into that way of thinking, I remind myself that my right to express emotion is just as valid as everyone else’s.
When we express our emotions at their full capacity, it’s a beautiful thing because it just goes to show that each of us is a living being with complex feelings, thoughts, and ideas. Our emotions give us nuance, and no one should ever feel hushed for expressing their emotions or feel obligated to refrain from expressing their true feelings to others in fear of being too much.
To all my “loud” folk out there, never feel like you have to dim yourself down for the benefit of others. When you laugh, laugh with your whole being. When you cry or rant, just let it all out. There is no noise limit on how you feel; embrace it, love it, and know that the volume of your emotions doesn’t make you too much or too less it makes you human.